doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   For the price of a one year membership to the gym, I can replace my entire wardrobe with larger clothes

   "I had one stuffy nostril and one runny nostril..." is how I'm starting tonights suicide note

   Perpetually looking for things I misplaced.

   "I know, baby, I'm lonley too" I whiper to the no show sock as we search for its mate.

   The wind just blew a plactic bag away from me at this table and down the sidewalk. "That one's on you, Mother Earth."

   Pollen? Web MD says I have Funky Cold Medina.

   Just made up my own personal yoga pose called "Downward Life Spiral".

   I hope he buys you flour, I hope he greases your pan.

   I think of my whole day as "puttering around before bed".

   After deep thought and years of studying the language... Am I correct in thinking that zoom a zoom zoomin in a boom boom is indeed, penetrating a butthole?

   I just f@rted so hard, my bluetooth rattled and my phone gave me directions to 3 area hospitals

   I can't afford a Carnival Cruise this year so I'm just going to hang out at a Porta-Potty near the beach.

   Carnival to Rename Cruise Ships 'floating nightmare 1, floating nightmare 2, floating nightmare 3, floating nightmare 4, floating nightmare 5 etc. etc. etc.'

   My pet peeve is when people say redundant words after acronyms, like “PIN number” or “ATM mouth.”

   Don't worry altar boys, I'm sure this new pope will be as admirable & honest as the last couple guys.

   My dog tore up the sofa so I chewed up his dog bed. Eye for an eye, Dawg!

   get to drilling Bruce Willis.

   That Russian meteor footage is anice reminder that we are flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof

   How am I supposed to completely ignore Olympic wrestling like it doesn't exist, if it actually doesn't exist?!

   If police work is just watching stuff burn, then I mastered police work when I was 10 years old.