Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   What's on your mind they said. Share how you're feeling they said. Only to find out that all we have said and done... will be stored for generations to see... "Hey let's check out all the funny things Grampa did when he was young. Whoa! Such a perv!"

   WARNING...If you are on my friends list and we have NEVER spoken to one another AND you don't bother to "like" one of my status updates... I am not gonna do sh*t.... because I am FAR too lazy.

   How many light bulbs does it take to change people...

   I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P

   If I ever find out who keeps Photoshoping that Channing Tatum loser's head on my body... I'M SUING!

   I just pissed so hard a little bit of laugh came out

   Peanut butter is the cheese of the candy world

   If your kids don't shut the hell up and rock when "Sad But True" starts playing, you've failed them as a parent.

   "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah, my Facebook photo has 27 likes and I think I'm ready to go pro."

   My dad gave me some advice a few years ago. He said, "Allan, if you ever get into a fight in the bar, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock." Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.

   A police officer stopped me last night whilst I was driving home from the bar. "Do you know why I was following you?" he asked. "Because my Facebook Stastus are funny?" I replied, absolutely hammered.

   Hate it when girls make me do the walk of shame in the morning. So embarrassing circling my own apartment waiting for them to leave.

   How do you know if you're an attention seeking b*tch? Check your Facebook status, and if it reads something like 'having the worst day ever!" ... Bingo.

   If Eve doomed the entire human race for an apple, what would she do for a Klondike bar?

   I've recently nicknamed my girlfriend 'auto-correct', because she constantly tries to interfere with what I want to say.

   When I die I want Charlie Sheen's life to flash before my eyes.

   I just launched a new fragrance! - a great way to announce a fart

   I don't argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button.

   It seems like my life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.

   I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the 'Downward Dog' on top of another person.