Funny Status Messages

   Just added pressure to my tires today. I leaned over and whispered "You better start doing your frickin job or you will have a date with the shredder."

   Think I will use this CSV receipt to wrap up like a mummy for Halloween. BONUS: You can scan me for $1 off any 2 liter drink

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   If you thought Han Solo was cool you should see his brother Guitar

   Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."

   Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.

   Bruce Willis to return for Die Hard 6. Working titles are "Die Hard: Speak Up Please" and "Die Hard: When I was your age"

   Instead of reading Hugh Hefner's obituary I'm just gonna look at the pictures.

   If North Korea hits us, I think the Military should kneel down and let the NFL players handle it.

   leave it to Hugh Hefner to die on hump day

   I find it very funny that all the women who say Trump is a sexist pig are saying farewell to Hugh Hefner who did nothing but exploit women all his life....

   Sure I will read Hugh Hefner's obituary. But only for the articles.

   Twitter is going to 280 characters? That is so awesome, T rum p can now piss off twice as many people.

   Y'all. I thought we were all streaking as an homage to Hugh Hefner. Anyway, I'm gonna need bail money. Again.

   I wonder how long it took for the Playmates to realize that Hugh's Viagra had worn off and rigor mortis had set in...

   Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

   Me and Hugh Hefner had a lot in common................we both owned more than one bathrobe.

   To honor Hugh Heffner, all erections will be at half staff today

   Ok, I've never thought much of Hugh Hefner, but you have to appreciate the irony. The creator of Playboy expires on a Wednesday-Hump Day.

   RIP Hugh Hefner. A remarkable life. Fans of his work are now doing something they’re quite accustomed to - grabbing a tissue.