Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   If I send you a text and you don't respond, and then I see you update Facebook at the same time, you're dead to me.

   Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to...

   Teenagers. They have been annoying me all summer long. Now they're back in school. So today on my lunch hour I drove circles around the high school laughing through a loud speaker.

   Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.

   Why does every girl think it's ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?

   they say the taste of love is sweet. That's bullsh!t everyone knows it's salty.

   I've said this before but, It's funny how you think you know someone so well, then you bang his wife and then his true colors start to show.

   Always pick the girl smoking ultra-light cigarettes... it means she's used to sucking a little harder to get what she wants.

   I like to keep a picture of myself in my wallet so when people show me pictures of their kids I can show them a pic of me not giving a sh!t.

   We're F*cked. The president in 2050 is going to have Tribal sleeves and use the word "bro" in all his presidential speeches.

   I just changed my voicemail greeting: Please hang up and text me.

   Almost choked to death on some broccoli but no way, I ain't going out like that.

   Honestly, I would prefer to look back at my life and say, "I can't believe I did that!" Than instead of saying, "I wish I did that..."

   People who remove the the vowels to text..why don't you do us all a favor and remove the consonants too?

   Ten folded ones in my left pants pocket, four buffalo chicken wings bones in my right pants pocket and empty mini bottles scattered around the house... apparently I had fun last night.

   You know these pagers they give you to let you know when you table's ready? They make great coasters when you steal them.

   Foot fetishes are for men who don't know what boobs are, right?

   Borrow your girlfriend's pink slippers just to go check the mail and everybody in the whole damn community will stop by to chat. True story. FML

   When I broke up with my ex girlfriend she threatened to kill herself. One year later she got married. Close enough.

   Before Facebook, if I read something really funny I would laugh. Now I just click the "Like" button without changing my facial expression at all.