Funny Status Messages

   How do they explain this to the authorities? Me, at the end of every horror movie

   Maybe you misunderstood me. I love you in a "tennis score" sort of way.

   Players of the Houston Texans football team took a knee during the national anthem Sunday. That...is...awesome!

   White Lives Matter rallies in two small Tennessee cities on Saturday to protest refugee resettlement in the state. What the hell does that have to do with White Lives Mattering?

   I might as well prepare myself to say "comrade" a lot and drink plenty of vodka.

   I can't concentrate on my work until Google fixes the cheeseburger emoji.

   Who are the fallen soldiers more mad at (1) Football players who take a knee or (2) A sellout who hands over the presidency of America to Russian control?

   Does anyone know a good Russian accountant? I need their help on tax evasion.

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to "Let me go or I'm calling the police."

   I always try to keep a good Facebook profile picture of myself. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.

   setting a liar's pants on fire considered arson? Asking for a friend.

   HER: Will you miss me? ME: Only if you run in a zig-zag pattern

   Love is...never having to say “wrong hole”

   No way the Reese's Cups make it till Tuesday...

   Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.

   If Trump is actually guilty in the Russia scandals then I will seriously commit suicide.

   I got bone spurs, that jingle jangle jingles.....

   Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."

   I am in a bloodsucking relationship with survival.

   Began training today for my new career in mixed martial arts and crafts. B