Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't concentrate on my work until Google fixes the cheeseburger emoji.

   Who are the fallen soldiers more mad at (1) Football players who take a knee or (2) A sellout who hands over the presidency of America to Russian control?

   Does anyone know a good Russian accountant? I need their help on tax evasion.

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to "Let me go or I'm calling the police."

   I always try to keep a good Facebook profile picture of myself. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.

   setting a liar's pants on fire considered arson? Asking for a friend.

   HER: Will you miss me? ME: Only if you run in a zig-zag pattern

   Love is...never having to say “wrong hole”

   No way the Reese's Cups make it till Tuesday...

   Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.

   If Trump is actually guilty in the Russia scandals then I will seriously commit suicide.

   I got bone spurs, that jingle jangle jingles.....

   Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."

   I am in a bloodsucking relationship with survival.

   Began training today for my new career in mixed martial arts and crafts. B

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

   "Anybody can throw a slant" except maybe University of Florida

   If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?

   Remember before hand sanitizer & antibacterial soap when we slammed our faces into a slobber-filled bucket of water trying to get an apple?

   Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I'm reading?