Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A cop pulled me over and asked why I was driving so fast. I said you look like the cop my wife left me for and I was afraid you were bringing her back!

   Amazon is buying Whole Foods for $13 billion. Ironically I think I spend $13 billion at Whole Foods also.

   let a blind guy borrow money tonight,he said he'll pay me back next time he see's me...wait a minute......

   I've figured out how to solve the problem of the Westboro Baptist Church protesting at veterans' funerals. We aim the 21-gun salute at them.

   When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.

   I know a guy named Unique, has a twin brother.

   Happy Father's Day to all you mf'er's out there!

   Hey dad, thanks for not pulling out..

   Jeff Bezos: "Alexa. Buy me something from Whole Foods." Alexa: "Buying Whole Foods." Bezos: "$h!t."

   I miss the good ole days of sitting on the porch at nite watching the bugs fry on the bug zapper. How we would laugh and laugh.

   I am all for the death penalty, but I think we should make it interesting and fun. Make it a game and play musical electric chairs. When the music goes off one chair gets a nice charge. . .

   I saw a guy hit 2 good balls today playing golf. He stepped on a rake.

   Imagine: Naked in a room full of people who speak a different language & everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog. 🐕

   I wonder if Tupac will make it to his movie premier??

   If you are ever stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, give them each a 5-Hour Energy drink just before returning them to Mom and Dad.

   If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2017!

   Wonder Woman earned $300 million worldwide in its first week. "Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.

   Fun fact: if you shush a librarian they have to grant you three wishes.

   Does ke$ha go by k€sha when she's in Europe?

   My dishwasher broke. Anyone knows where I should take her and get her fixed?