Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy... Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.

   I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation... My Czech is in the mail

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes...... "No hablo ingles."

   My Dominatrix is so cruel and kinky, she makes me drink orange juice right after I brush my teeth.

   I don't recall what I can't recall because I can't recall it. Jeff Session

   wife: I'm having a baby. me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have a baby as well.

   If it wasn't for online porn I couldn't spell amateur.

   The only person I wanna chat with is my dog.

   -inventing vodka- who’s thirsty for yeast infected potato juice?

   Superman wears glasses, everyone thinks he’s a different person. I wear glasses people say: “Hey, why are you wearing glasses?”

   Irony: People waving Confederate flags telling others, "get over it, you lost".

   those people in the office with the rolling cart full of everyone's mail....they really push the envelope

   Gross thought of the day... Vienna sausage juice.

   Q. What does a day old donut have in common with Betty White? A. They're both pretty dry when you eat them.

   I'll bet that hookers calculate their profits and losses by using a spread sheet.

   If you have a Democrat passenger, you get free parking in the handicap zone.

   Why should Libs be buried 100 feet deep? Because deep down, they're really good people.

   What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish? One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom feeder and the other one is a fish.

   My NRA firearms Instructor beats your demo rapist movie producer or former President

   My mechanic couldnt fix my breaks so he put in a louder horn.