Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Harvey Weinstein has invited all the disappointed teenage Dodger fans to his home for jello shots and back rubs.....

   Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]

   If you make eye contact with yourself while brushing your teeth in the mirror you have to swallow.

   The Astros are world series champs. And Dodgers dodge having to go to white house. So who's the real winner.

   Every time I try dating I get a new sister.

   So a team part of a red state wins the World Series? Interesting.

   For an 84 year old Chuck Grassley sure can exit a room quickly.

   So, did he or did he not call the US justice system a disgrace? I'm so confused.

   My mother-in-law sent me the link to the site where you can buy a boarding pass to Mars. She even offered to pay for the ticket. That's so sweet of her.

   How's everyone holding up? It was crazy last night. I must have killed like fifteen zombies. But I still don't understand why they were all carrying bags of candy.

   I'm not saying she's bipolar, but for nearly two hours I thought her mood ring was a strobe light.

   To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card & combine it with the expiration date and security code. What's yours?

   My mother in law won "best decorated house" yesterday for Halloween?..she was only opening the curtains?

   The NYC terror attack comes to you courtesy of the Democratic Party, Barry Obama and the judges he appointed, who've halted Pres. Trump from fulfilling his promise to secure our borders from Islamic terror.

   Halloween is over time to put up the Christmas decorations.

   200 North Koreans died in a tunnel collapse when testing their nukes. Looks like Kim Jong Un is on the US side of the war.

   Do Millennial kids just trick or treat online?

   I'm not worried about the Zombie apocalypse that is coming. I'm worried about the Libtard apocalypse that is here now.

   When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

   I’m not really sure how to get petitions started but I’m a child of the 80’s and want my reboot of The Wonder Years. Shot the same way the original was shot,