Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is so hot today that the Presbyterians are issuing rain checks, the Methodists have begun using wet wash cloths, the Baptists have resorted to sprinkling and the Catholics are trying to turn wine back into water.

   I had a passionate sexy romp under the covers this morning!..though I'm not too sure Wimbledon security were too thrilled about it?

   what do you call a fly without wings?

   I bought a keyboard thinking that I'd learn to play it, but I lost interest so I'm taking it to the Salvation Army. I figure that now not only am I helping out an aspiring musician but I'm an organ donor as well so I feel twice as good about myself.

   I hate when I pack on an extra twenty pounds for an upcoming movie roll and then I remember I'm not an actor.

   I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.

   When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired."

   Police have confirmed that a man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it..will be bailed tomorrow!!

   Pizza Guy: "Louie's Pizza. May I take your order? Me: "Is the owl there?" Pizza Guy: "Who, who?" Me: "Lol, that never gets old. Gimme a large all the way."

   "When you fail at inventing the news, become the news" - CNN

   QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!

   Lets bring back Chuk Noris!!! And get rid of Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, Half man half woman former Kardashian husband now turned a woman who still likes women, Kardashians, Snookie, etc....

   The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.

   Take the number of letters in your last name and divide that by your pin number. What answer did you get? That's correct.

   I love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old.

   I’ve been chatting online with a 14-year-old girl. Really flirty and sexy. Then she tells me she is an undercover cop. How cool is that for someone her age?

   I'm so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"

   Hug her from behind but keep an eye out for her husband.

   I'm in a Domestic Partnership with myself. One hand vacuums while the other one dusts.

   Remember to leave a Budweiser and a rifle out under you America tree tonight for Kid Rock or he won't leave you any fireworks