Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn. She called me over here an hour ago to fix her sink and I'm still fixing the sink.

   The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.

   Turn your clocks back to before Obama became president

   Gotta give credit where credit is due. Canada really schooled us in the UFC fight.

   Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? [flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone] Me: I'm having an affair

   A cop came over and told me that my dog was chasing people on a bike....I told him, "Don't be ridiculous, my dog doesn't doesn't own a bike."

   I came into this world with nothing, and still have most of it.

   When these kids were saying on November 4th they were gonna be killing Nazis, were they talking about the new Call of Duty?

   [creating a sloth] God: Take that roadkill over there and make it blink

   Kinda pissed that OJ is living a better life than me right now.

   I've never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.

   Husband and I just burped at exactly the same time and it's the closest we've come to having sex this week.

   It's hard to hit on someone when you're holding a bag of dog crap.

   Kevin Spacy is innocent. He was framed by Kaiser Soze.

   If Stranger Things has taught us anything it's that we miss the 80's way too much

   When ur wife keeps her head on ur chest N slowly asks, "Dear, do you have any women in ur life other than me"? Remember ur answer is not important at this time, what is important is ur heartbeat. Keep calm n breathe easy. It's A biometic test

   She’s not angry...she just doesn’t like you.

   Nothing like a little chloroform and some duct tape to hold a relationship together.

   A cup of coffee so strong it doesn’t just pick me up, it reenacts the lift scene from Dirty Dancing.

   This afternoon I was so excited to find a sizable cache of Bitcoins in a shoe box! Upon further examination it turned out to be old arcade tokens I'd forgotten about. Damn.