Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   If I ever get sent to prison the first thing I'm gonna do is hunt up the tattoo guy and have him put a red aids awareness ribbon on each butt cheek.

   Here's one for the women.......................... It's a 5-speed vibrator kind of day.

   Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job? What's so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

   I put the alcohol in Alzheimer's. Not in the word... I just like to get old people drunk. Then I tell them I'm their son and borrow money.

   I saw a guy with an eye patch today, so of course I had to ask him how the fun and games were before the injury.

   To all the women I've loved before, I have found someone better.

   Nothing's more disappointing than getting a message, hoping it's from that girl you love, and it turns out to be from your wife instead.

   I bet I can maı̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨ke you wipe your screen...

   No no NO! The lace pillows go ON TOP of the pink ones, THEN the clown doll. Jesus Christ. It's like you've never made a bed before. - My next ex-girlfriend

   Some of the best memories leave a stain.

   I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.

   Dear Gangsta, While the prime "cap" is indeed a very important part of the cartridge it will actually be the bullet that you pop in my ass. Just thought you should know.

   Been in the back yard trip'in on shrooms... Stepped on those slippery little b@stards and busted my ass.

   I wonder how many old people have died trying to cut open tennis balls to put on their walker.

   I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

   If someone doesn't ask me, "What in the hell is wrong with you?" at least once a day, I feel like a failure.

   I sure hope someday the "Ghost Hunters" will realize that the tapping sound is not something only ghosts can make.

   I told my dad off today. I said, “Dad, I'm a grown man so STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD!” It worked. He gave me a juice box for standing up for myself.

   I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twin sons will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys to be in their mom at the same time.

   TRUE STORY: I held the door open for an Asian gentlemen yesterday at the mall. He said "Sank You." He better not be referring to Pearl Harbor.