Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it when I misplace my cell phone it set on silent

   They say that laughter is the best medicine. But if you're laughing for no reason, you need medicien.

   Public Restrooms attract the weirdest people. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

   No matter what side of the aisle you lean towards or sit on, this tax plan is a soggy turdburger.

   So Donald duck never wore pants, but when he gets out of the shower he puts a towel around his waist. What's up with that?

   With Christmas just around the corner, it's important to remember to never trust electronics buying advice from people who have Beats headphones.

   Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn't pay their wifi bill.

   since twitter doubled the length of tweets, does that mean now I double the name? I'm gonna go post a tweet tweet

   A new commandment. Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.

   Disrespectful parents letting their kids run around screaming. Can't I just have a nice quiet meal at Chuck E Cheese?

   I’m not saying I failed as a parent, I’m just saying my son closes the cereal box without rolling up the bag.

   Genesis 3:16 To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.”

   Pumpkin Spice eyeliner? Have we gone too far?

   Something seems ironic about Macy's 249th "1 Day Sale"

   Yes, that smartphone in your hand is the gateway to the sum of all human knowledge. And you are searching for 'kids funny drive thru'

   If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions. I know that now.

   They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don't have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won't look weird.

   How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?

   I wonder if this guy in line in front of me would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.