Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just found out the my emotional support dog is a Hillary Clinton supporter how depressing :)

   Doctor: Sir, you will have to stop masterbating. Me: Why?? Dr: Because I'm trying to take your blood pressure.

   Tonight the Mrs and I are having Netflix and Hide from adult responsibilities

   That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she's just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod..

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."

   It's probably called almond milk because nut juice doesn't sound as enticing..

   I don't get it. The Bible is not allowed in public schools but is encouraged in prisons. Maybe if we allowed the Bible in schools there would be less people in prison. Ever think of that?

   Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've gone Commando a few times in your life.

   Tila Tequila says in interview that she's a hardcore conservative. It's no wonder why she thinks the earth is flat.

   There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.

   Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words... "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

   That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

   Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they’re all panicked over who’s getting the ax.

   Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.

   I pledged allegiance “to the Republic for Witches Stand” until the forth grade.

   DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here we see a weak male preparing for a lifetime of loneliness. [camera pans to me at a bar showing a girl my tweets]

   GOP SENATORS: Please stop asking us about treason so that we can work on a historically unpopular bill that will lead to thousands of deaths