Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "OK, send me your mother.

   I never judge people by the color of their skin unless they have a spray-on tan.

   Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don't think soooo.

   Why was the snowman smilimg? Because he saw the snowblower coming his way.

   Algebra is proof that humans create their own problems and then cry.

   75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.

   Help control the idiot crisis, get your democrat neutered or spayed.

   Has Mexico paid for the wall yet?

   FOX News, because conservative's balls can't lick themselves.

   When your Dr. says "I'll need to Google that"..... it's time to change Doctors

   I waited too long.. The stores ran out of winter solstice glasses.

   Gold Star Chili ~ The only place where you can ask for a 3 way and not get charged with sexual-harassment.

   I need to open an Electronics store and call it The Ohm Depot.

   Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

   I assume nowadays the Christmas family portrait theme involves four people staring into their electronic devices next to the Christmas tree...

   For the last time, it's called "Duct Tape"; not "Duck Tape." Now shut the fuct up already.

   There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was two sizes too small." -Mrs. Grinch

   I have nothing against exercise. I just wish people would care as much about exercising their minds as much as the do their bodies.

   I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.