Funny Status Messages

   An untalented gymnast walks into a bar....

   BREAKING: NINTH CIRCUIT COURT OF APPEALS OVERTURNS TRUMP'S TURKEY PARDONS.

   The sales of sexbots have been skyrocketing. I wonder if they make an underage one? That's gonna be the hot seller among Hollywood and Democrats.

   Pro tip: Use Shazam in your Uber to blow your drivers mind with your knowledge of their obscure immigrant music.

   My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.

   After the Lavar Ball incidence, I now understand why Trump hates blacks.

   When I get coffee at Starbucks and the guy asks me my name I read his name tag and say his name and then he's like "Nooo wayy! That's my name too!" and I go like "Nooo wayy!" and I always think I'll get something free but I don't.

   If you could cross a centipede with a turkey you would have enough turkey legs for everyone.

   Ugh. None of my Facebook friends have accepted my "Take Seven B&W Pictures of Your Life Print them Poster-Size, Tint them with Watercolors, Scan Them, Increase Vibrance by 50% then Post Each One with a 3-Word Description Challenge".

   So much for the party of family values. Republicans have now re-branded as the party of child molesters.

   Trump dies one good deed and he wants an Oscar for his performance. Whatever happened to staying humble?

   Sure hope no one has high expectations of me today.

   Of course you can use bacon grease as furniture polish. *licks coffee table*

   Trump is telling 59,000 Haitians, currently living legally in the United States, to self-deport. Whats even more mind boggling is you people see nothing wrong with that? Why is he on a mission to target blacks???

   Holy crap! With all these famous people getting the skeletons pulled out of their closets, I'm starting to feel like a saint.

   Before you open your mouth about Trump, try to understand. No One Likes You.

   Your posts are going viral, just like herpes.

   White house report: Trump to pardon himself this week........ oh ! My mistake, it's a real turkey to be pardon.

   If Charles Manson doesn’t bust hell wide open I don’t know who will.

   Gary Hinman, Sharon Tate, Jay Sebring, Abigail Folger, Wojciech Frykowski, Stephen Parent, Leno LaBianca and Rosemary LaBianca. Hopefully their families have a little peace tonight. There's a little less evil in world.