Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you try to show me your family vacation photos I swear I'm going to report you to HR.

   Supporters cheer Roy Moore as he runs naked through a mall, his genitals concealed by various amusingly phallic objects

   Dog food is just regular food that you dropped on the floor

   You look like the kind of person who replies to a meme with a meme

   commercial: get one diamond for your best friend, and one for your true love me: why would my dog want a diamond

   I sleep with a gun under my bed, in case someone breaks in and decides to throw clay pigeons into the air.

   I am fully prepared to replace Donald Trump with the guy who says dilly dilly in the beer commercials

   Teach your children about rejection by getting them a cat

   The punisher is like every other Marvel Tv show on Netflix. Could have done everything in 2 episodes but decided to add 8 more unnecessary ones.

   So I was right! - I tell my wife about buying the genetically modified turkey as I eat the 5th turkey leg

   christmas has been cancelled this year due to santa being fired for inappropriate behavior by asking a girl if she had been naughty or nice...

   I don't think I can name one unemployed coal miner who has gotten a job in the last 10 months.

   breaking news... sorry folks, christmas has been cancelled due to santa being fired for asking a girl if she had been naughty or nice...

   My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch, its called #LUNCH

   R. M. Was turned down on his offer to play santa at an all girls middle school.

   Some times you have to ask yourself. Is it worth the rug burn. . .

   Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

   Today only: PetSmart is giving away free canaries with no perches necessary.

   Gun sales hit #1 record for a Black Friday sales item.

   Just been to the gym for the 5th time in a week, and people are saying things like "well done!", "that's so impressive!", and "you can't come in here just to use the vending machine