Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your Tupperware has "nutrition facts" on the side of the container, you might be a redneck

   That was quick. Mooch is down, and I only need one Jeff Sessions for Trump Bingo ! .

   I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.

   My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

   My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

   Do you listen to Rap music? If so, who’s your favorite Rapist?

   cooking tip: if your tired of always having to boil water everytime you have to make pasta,boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.......your welcome!

   when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall

   Those NK missles all have "Thanks Bill" stickers on the side.

   yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

   My uncle is the town drunk. Unfortunately, the town is Chicago.

   Today I ask God for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance, because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I might beat them to death...

   When Kim Fatass Un bombs us, are we gonna blame Obama?

   "Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

   North Korea got missile that can reach Chicago,,, be carefull North Korea chicago will shoot back

   pot a gateway drug? Not everyone who smokes pot ends up doing heroin, but everyone who does heroin started off with smoking pot!

   This years summer swimsuit look = busted can of biscuits.

   If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.

   The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.

   I hope the police take the Orange Man's advice and rough him up when he is finally arrested for being a Russian Spy.