Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   That akward moment when you're texting someone and they end the conversation with a smiley face instead of "lol" and you don't know what to put back...

   Sh!t you not: My cashier's name was Kashir. Motherf*cker would NOT let me take a picture. He said he "don't geeve a sheet about fecebook."

   Ladies, not all men try to push your buttons. It's just that when you have hundreds of little b!tch switches, it's hard not to bump a few.

   Thinking about writing a children's book called "Stop asking me for sh!t."

   F*ck you light bulb it's my turn to be burnt out.

   I still want to walk away in slo-mo from a cool-looking explosion one day, but running away from a clogged toilet will have to do for now.

   I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and some I'd love to punch in the face!

   Some people call me a smart ass, I say I'm just smart with a good ass answer.

   Somewhere in the hood somebody mama is using they child's name to keep the house phone on.

   Are you really worried that much about your internet history in the afterlife? Everyone knows you masturbate to porn, don't worry. No one needs to clear it when you die.

   It's going to take a lot more than a few “LIKES” on my Facebook page to make me forget what an ass you were in high school.

   Can we have a moment of silence for those unfortunate souls who have never smoked weed...

   If you have to question whether or not your behavior is acceptable - it's probably not.... and we should definitely hang out.

   "When all is said and done" It will be really quiet.

   Sorry, I'm not yawning because what you're saying is "boring." I'm merely stretching my mouth before I excercise it when I say "SHUT THE F*** UP!"

   Virgin: Deeper Hooker: Harder Wife: mmm grey would be a nice color for the ceiling

   Idiot friend : man the economy sucks there no jobs anywhere. ME : I'll give you a job, can you start tomorrow? Idiot friend : man I wish I could but I'm busy all day. Me: so how is Gears of War 3? Idiot friend : Fricking awesome man.

   Ladies, Don't ever tell your man that you don't mind if he looks at other women. He'll remember that sh!t better than his social security number.

   I hope men who treat women like sh!t have figured out how to suck their own tiny c0cks.

   "I'm extremely popular on Facebook" - Guy sitting alone at the bar