Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?

   Just had ice cream without sprinkles on top. Diets are so hard.

   College football is important but a college education is importanter!

   We all have a machine in our house that sets itself on fire when it gets cold and we're all ok with that!

   I just ate a box of stove top stuffing in my underwear while laying on the couch. So if you're looking to me for something inspirational, you should probably look elsewhere.

   Unless you had yourself cloned, I don't want to hear any of this "New Year, New Me" crap.

   I saw a hipster wearing socks because it’s so cold.

   It’s so cold, I saw chickens lined up outside KFC waiting their turn in the deep fryer.

   On new year's eve while counting down the last 10 seconds, I lift my left leg so I'll start the new year out on the right foot.

   So cold don's toupee flew south for the winter

   So cold in D.C. today that the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

   It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.

   It's so cold out that I saw a dog frozen to a fire hydrant

   Heard there was a kidnapping at the school. Untill the teacher woke him up.

   - 2018 starts with a full moon - 2018 is the year of the dog I’m onto you, werewolves.

   It's so cold outside, I just saw a fox trying to jump-start another fox.

   This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house

   I am starting a GoFundMe to buy popcorn tomorrow night at the movies

   Roses are red, grass is greener. When I think about you I play with my weiner!

   I told my wife that before the dogs and I go out, she needs to give us the 3rd Degree. Because at least 3 degrees is warmer than what ever it is currently in the Tundra called the midwestern U.S.