Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What a shock! ..Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $50,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Chester Blvd". Seriously, does no one know the difference between "your" and "you're" anymore?

   And then there was the cannibal who passed his neighbor in the woods.

   My shrink keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects. But what does he know? He's a lamp.

   It took years for my wife to get me to put down the toilet seat. In retrospect, I really don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

   Today I saw a homeless man holding a sign that said "why live in a 100k home when I can live under a 3 million dollar bridge?" Now thats what I call being BOLD

   People who get offended on Facebook are the same people that take mini golf seriously

   Difference between House and Home : HOUSE is where you fart in headphones mode HOME is where you fart in Dolby surround mode

   All those exercise videos are worthless, I watch them over and over and not even lost a Kg

   Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.

   I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow

   Ya know, people use to come to Facebook to air their dirty laundry...Now they're coming here to air themselves eating laundry pods...The irony!!

   How do you accidentally send an inbound missile warning to Hawaii by "pressing the wrong button"? I had to click "are you sure", verify my thumbprint and solve an algebra problem just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

   Search YouTube for Bryan Lewis "I Think My Dog's A Dem0crat."

   Every time I get a headache I imagine it's because someone wants me to get in bed with them.

   If I am not supposed to eat Tide pods then why are they citrus flavored?

   I think Wal-Mart should start a new Express Checkout lane for shoppers with more than 12 teeth

   I will never have abs. Because I love eating keb abs

   People say, if life throws you lemons, throw them back, make lemonade or squirt them in your eyes so that the problems become last of your worries. But them smart asses never said what to do if life kicks you in the balls. Yeah!, there's no recovery from

   Ghetto Winnie the Pooh would probably say, “Tigger please.”

   I was driving down the road this morning and swerved to avoid a banana peel. See mom me playing Mario Kart in my room all day when I was younger paid off.