Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man Came home,saw his wife with his friend in Bed,he shoots his friend, Wife Says, "If you behave like this ,you will lose all your friends."

   The Gym was so crowded today I had to skip my workout. Fortunately, the line at KFC was shorter than usual. Already in Love with New Year's resolution

   In California, ever day is now 420

   It's 2018 so that means the millennium is legal.

   That one sounded like a dirt bike with a bad muffler.

   Eat chocolate pudding all the time, everywhere you go. Use chopsticks and a diaper as a bowl.

   You'll never be the man your mother is.

   What a beautiful country, shame about all the Libtards.

   It was so cold today, I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.

   One good thing about this winter snow storm, is it makes my lawn look as good as my neighbors.

   I'm not ignoring your call, I just get so excited when I see the caller ID I faint!

   When you have more than what you need, build a longer table, not a higher fence.

   The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.

   A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.

   I love finding money in my clothes after wash…..its like a gift from me....to me

   I dropped my KFC at the treadmill and now they are revoking my Gym membership, how unreasonable

   I just Love the gym this time of year. The new members make me look like an endurance freak

   Pink grapefruit extreme close-up, you’re welcome.

   If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?

   "Lindsay Lohan bitten by snake while on vacation in Thailand" I can't get my head around how a snake can be that organized