Funny Status Messages

   According to Webster's dictionary, "Patriotism" is defined as loving a country. "Gay" is defined as one man loving another world leader who happens to be a man.

   I've gotten to the age where if I see a coin lying on the ground I figure anything less that a quarter isn't worth the aches and pains of leaning over to pick it up.

   When I was young I took drugs to blow my mind. Now I take drugs not to lose it.

   Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.

   I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll keep you posted.

   If the movies have taught me anything it's that sooner or later that car chase is gonna crash through a fruit stand.

   I don't know about you, but I've thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.

   Costco: Where you can go broke saving money...

   Fire fighters confirmed that the fire did not start in Trumps library 📚

   My goal for 2018 is to accomplish goals of 2017,which I should have done in 2016,cause I promised them in 2015 and planned them in 2015

   It's just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms

   It's so cold out I walked into my bank and the tellers were wearing ski masks

   I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual

   Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder, where in the hell are the dream police!

   When the shovel was invented, it was a ground breaking experience.

   "I'm, like, really smart." - Donald Trump, 45th POTUS. I'm glad he cleared that up, because he had the whole world fooled.

   Question for the 84 year old widow who just won the Mega Millions jackpot: Sup, girl?

   Guys, if you're not married, but thinking about it, remember; a wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and the house is gone.

   Just got scammed out of $15. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

   Husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, Id like to phone a friend."