Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just turned on the Sag awards to be disappointed it’s not about 70s porn stars....

   Great now there’s a lipoflavonoid challenge. I have no idea what that is but it doesn’t sound good

   I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

   Read a book on how to have a happy marriage. It stated to treat your wife the way you did while dating her. So after dinner tonight I'll drop her off at her parents house.

   Mathias Bachmeier is proof that the US police force isn't perfect.

   Karma has no menu. You're served what your deserve

   If you have a bladder infection, "urine" trouble.

   Yes, your smart devices can talk to each other now and they are giggling about you behind your back.

   if I ever do remarry I am going to find one of those government agents who can't talk about what they do all day.

   Crazy glue is like regular glue except it forgot to take its meds

   Kinda jealous how a rooster starts his day by screaming his head off, and we are all okay with that

   If Domino's changed their marketing plan to just call me at random times and ask if they could send over a pizza, the answer would be yes every time.

   I’m really confused as to why Kim & Kanye named their newborn “Chicago West” when Kanye is from the South Side of Chicago.

   The longer you wait for something, the more you appreciate it when you get it.

   Society is going to judge you anyway, so do what makes you happy.

   Why are all these women protesting, shouldn't they be at home cooking?

   Burned almost a thousand calories with the treadmill today. Moved it into the basement, that sucker is heavy!

   If undercover boss came to my work I'd play stupid and give them the biggest sob story too and bank

   If someone gave me a million dollars to lose weight for one of those weight loss programs I would too

   Gov't shutdown? Yippee! I'm collecting rainwater for my garden before they reopen and fine me!!