Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the ass to wake it up.

   Telling someone they shouldn't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn't be happy because others have it better.

   If women are supposed to be so good at multi-tasking, how come they can't have sex and a headache at the same time?

   Why does every Islam protester look like they just rolled out of bed with their uncle/brother?

   Kid Rock wants to run for president. It's official. Our country is a joke.

   Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.

   doesn't the U.S. have missiles that can reach North Korea? #testthem

   Don’t stare directly at the hurricane without your Official 2017 Hurricane Glasses.

   When I die, I wanna die like my grandpa, peacefully in my sleep... not yelling and screaming like the passengers he was driving around

   I call my girlfriend Crisco. She thinks it means she's white and smooth. It really means she's fat in the can.

   Sometimes, I just want to give it all up for 4 fried chickens and a Coke.

   Hurricanes ✔️ Fires ✔️ Tiger running loose ✔️ Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up

   Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.

   You can either be an illegal or go to college in the USA but you can't do both

   I think Aliens are controlling the climate that's why we have to put an end to DACA

   Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil??

   From the smell of things, people should be more concerned with underwear change than climate change.

   I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

   Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone's throat.

   The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.