Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gym selfie challenge: Stop taking them. Seriously nobody cares that much about your workout.

   How do nudist clean their glasses?

   If your child is eating Tide Pods, you failed as a parent.

   The government reopened everyone hide your drugs

   Steve Bannon and Harvey Weinstein look like they went face shopping together.

   Don't trust people who speak too fast. Trust me on this.

   The problem with a President Oprah is a Vice President Dr. Phil and a Surgeon General Dr. Oz.

   Don’t be so quick to judge Donald Trump’s weight. I just found out he was Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s surrogate.

   Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags

   Somebody needs to invent a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell "Alright already!"

   To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.

   I'l have to be a trombone donor. I'm all out of organs.

   According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot

   Love games although I hate scrabble, I hate scrabble so much I can't put it into words. Hate is a strong word... hated is stronger... worth more points.

   Today my yoga teacher was really drunk, which put me in an awkward position.

   I don't see anything wrong with a kidnapping. If a kid wants to take a nap, let them.

   One day you'll just be a memory. So make it a good one.

   Whife ask what's the thing about a bj. I said the five minutes of silence.

   The difference between broccoli and boogers. Kids won't eat broccoli.

   I just got the strangest BJ ever. It was... you ever see that cartoon where a chicken is trying to yank a worm out of the ground kinda like a tug of war?