Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do you accidentally send an inbound missile warning to Hawaii by "pressing the wrong button"? I had to click "are you sure", verify my thumbprint and solve an algebra problem just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

   Search YouTube for Bryan Lewis "I Think My Dog's A Dem0crat."

   Every time I get a headache I imagine it's because someone wants me to get in bed with them.

   If I am not supposed to eat Tide pods then why are they citrus flavored?

   I think Wal-Mart should start a new Express Checkout lane for shoppers with more than 12 teeth

   I will never have abs. Because I love eating keb abs

   People say, if life throws you lemons, throw them back, make lemonade or squirt them in your eyes so that the problems become last of your worries. But them smart asses never said what to do if life kicks you in the balls. Yeah!, there's no recovery from

   Ghetto Winnie the Pooh would probably say, “Tigger please.”

   I was driving down the road this morning and swerved to avoid a banana peel. See mom me playing Mario Kart in my room all day when I was younger paid off.

   I changed my passwords to incorrect, so when I forget it tells me. Your password is incorrect. . .

   Look, all I am saying is that you never see The Predator and Whoopi Goldberg in the same room at the same time.

   My last exam was a bigger failure than FOX's show, Son of Zorn.

   I wouldnt want to live in the s**thole even if it was called Hati

   If only tru mp called them sh1t$shows, then no one would be mad.

   Any single women looking to sexually abuse a grown man, asking for a friend. . .

   Please don’t suggest a product to me that’s not available at Walmart.

   I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

   Q: How do you play the ISIS bingo? A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

   I took my wife to the dog show and she won.

   Maybe someone should tell Bowflex we don't want our living room smelling like a gym.