Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life's too short to wonder why I have no pants on while hugging you. Don't make this awkward.

   Florida officials are telling people to stop shooting their guns at hurricane irma, and it would not make the hurricane go back. How did humanity become this dumb?

   I have nothing funny to say this morning. My creative license was revoked.

   I don't like making plans because then the word "Premeditated" ends up as part of the charges.

   I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

   Q:Do yo want to know how to tell if you're listening to a Jason Derulo song? A: He will tell you in the first 19 seconds.

   It's really ironic that I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.

   I am curently baking the air in here @400° because I am not turning the heat on yet!

   Do you ever wonder if the bank just look through your account and think what the heck is this person doing

   Who do you hate the most: people who post about their gym workouts or people who post about every time they go to church?

   I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.

   In a gay casino, a queen beats a straight every time.

   Rush Limbaugh who called hurricane Irma a hoax, has evacuated his florida residence. Now why would he do that if Irma is a hoax?

   The only thing lower than don's approval raitings is his supporter's IQs

   In horror movies, why does everyone reach for the doorknob in super slow motion? It not like the killer behind the door won't notice.

   My sleep number is pi.

   I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.

   I'll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.

   Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.

   Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.