Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trying to find a name for your child really exposes how many people you have met in your life that you now hate

   Tide pods are just cleaning up the people that should have been stains in the first place.

   You’re multifaceted like a diamond, or a schizophrenic.

   Boss: You're fired Me: *turns in my gun and my badge* Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those

   Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine

   He floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee......Happy Birthday.....to the LEGENDARY Man Muhammad Ali

   My wife and I got one of those board games for couples to spice things up. It quickly turned into a game of Sorry, which led to me playing a game of Uno

   Someone should invent an alarm clock that automatically reports you sick when you've pressed snooze 3 times

   I just wonder when they are going to post the videos of the new teen challenge "blow off your left leg challenge" or the new "decapitate yourself challenge"

   When we first ment on a blind date my girlfriend wasn't that interested in me. Untill she saw me lick my eyebrows.

   Somewhere in Michigan an 8-year-old boy farted half a beat before that meteor set off an earthquake. It was the greatest moment of his life.

   There were no Tide pods back in my day....we just ate it by the scoop like maniacs

   I mix my Tide Pods with Red Bull so I get the benefit of clean energy.......

   Are we really that bored and stupid as a country that the “Tide Pod Challenge “ is even a thing? Wtf

   Maybe, just maybe, if more teenagers got their mouths washed out with soap as a child by their parents, these idiots wouldn't be attempting a "Tide Pod Challenge" .....

   Word of the day: Ididarod - Monica Lewinski's autobiography.

   Common sense is so rare this days, it should almost be classified as a superpower

   World population :7,618,921,693. ­.... Just in case someone starts feeling too important

   Every office should have a Parliament mode, when you don't wanna work, start shouting and go home

   Big moment here: I just finished building that gingerbread house for the holidays.