Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder how many more times I can eat cake before the world ends.

   It finally happened. Dogs are getting in on the gender neutrality thing. While I was walking my dog this morning, she lifted her leg to whiz on a tree.

   I've been avoiding exercise for a long time now. You might say I'm in the Fitness Protection Program.

   There is a new supermarket in town but I think it is run by the Mob. There are signs above the registers that say "12 items or else".

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"

   I guess Kim Jong-un is burning out his fuse up there alone this morning.

   I want to invent a product like prayer, an idea I sell people where no matter how much it fails and proves itself useless, they still think it's great and continue to use it!

   Obama is skinny because as a kid he always gave up his lunch money to bullies like he did as president to Iran and North Korea.

   "Oh no, no, no! I'm a rocket man!" ~ KimJong Ung

   As a caucasian guy, I'm not allowed to say the "N word" but I can say "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and "Hi Dad."

   Mama Cass Elliot would have turned 76 today. In fact, if she had shared that sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might still be alive.

   Go ahead, keep making fun of millennials but you are gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

   How to make a Millennial laugh: Tell them there was a time when you knew your private information was safe in government hands

   No one has more to say than the woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   If I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, just for the irony...

   Solution to the health insurance problem. Change the title from Obama care to trump care and trump will want to keep it.

   BREAKING NEWS: Jerry Jones wants the NFL to investigate the Denver Broncos for Domestic Violence against the Dallas Cowboys

   Just texted my boss "I think my computer's broke Boss replied: "Just give it to the IT guy" Me: "okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck Clown.

   You know your life sucks when the therapist doesn't even return your calls.

   Angering someone is one thing, but hurting them changes everything.