Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like....... "well i'm bored, lets go brush our teeth!"

   My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.

   With the time difference between the eastcoast and westcoast. When you air travel from east to west. You literally are time traveling to a time that you already experienced.

   So the Canadian prime minister contacted Kentucky before the president did after the shooting. When did Canada become better than us?

   I changed the audio of my GPS to a man's voice. Now it just says "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."

   Scientist have now cloned monkeys. Next on the Primate ladder before they reach humans- Politicians.

   As an optimist,I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.

   Android > BlackBerry > Nokia > Fax > Landline phone > 2 cans and a string > Message in a bottle > Pigeon with a note taped to it > iPhone with iOS 11

   The Super Bowl won't be the same without Glenn Frey or Brad Delp...

   If you buy weight loss products at GNC the only thing you'll lose is your money...

   Being older doesnt mean you have pearls of widsom but spurts of common sense.

   Doctor: Do you use any illegal drugs? Me: Depends on the state.

   I’m not above sitting down in the shower crying.

   I guess I shouldn't use Comet® to wash my car. I've been working on it for an hour and I've just begun to scratch the surface.

   You know its sad when your mother is on facebook and guys younger than you are poking her

   I Dream of using this phrase One day "Let's Just Take My Helicopter than"

   Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch

   If you comment or click like on a picture which was posted a year ago, you are a stalker

   While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I sucked in my gut. My wife laugh and said do you think that's help you weigh less ? I said no but it does help me to see how much I weigh.

   Did you hear about the cereal Bill Belicheat and "Shady" Brady eat before games? Cheaties!....The breakfast of champions.