Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 843 of 6447

I'm okay with you being stup!d, but when you're both stup!d AND stubborn, then Houston, we have a problem.

People were shocked when they found I wasn't a good electrician. :-)
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01-27-2018 15:28 by Jake
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If you don't know them personally. Don't take what they say personally.

The Sentimental Growth Story
Me: Can you please grow?
Hair: Nah..!
Muscle: Nope..!!
Salary: Don't even dream..!!!
Tummy : Bro, for you anything.
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01-27-2018 14:53 by RAMANIYER
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This entire gender neutral thing has gone too far. I just saw a commercial on tv for Mama John's.

The Patriots are going to the Super Bowl? Who doesn’t love a good overdog story?
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01-27-2018 13:23 by iccic
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They say time & water carved the Grand Canyon. I washed my underwear 20 times in Tide with Bleach and yup, skid marks still there.
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01-27-2018 10:52
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Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
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01-27-2018 10:06
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Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going !
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01-27-2018 04:46
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I signed up for aerobics classes and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
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01-27-2018 04:46
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To help prevent teen pregnancy. High schools should hand out a C.D. of a crying baby instead of comdoms.

Ever wonder if pandas know they're cute?
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01-26-2018 13:02
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1 in 6 Millennials has a 100k saved, while 5 in 6 have 100k worth of tattoos...
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01-26-2018 11:59
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In this day and age where kids expect their parents to do everything for them, it's encouraging to see them washing out their own mouths with soap.
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01-26-2018 08:00
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Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
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01-26-2018 05:06
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Different ways to say "NO": German: Nein - Russian: Niej - Arabic: La - Women: Yes, but ...
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01-26-2018 05:06
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We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like....... "well i'm bored, lets go brush our teeth!"
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01-26-2018 05:06
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My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
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01-26-2018 00:43
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With the time difference between the eastcoast and westcoast. When you air travel from east to west. You literally are time traveling to a time that you already experienced.

So the Canadian prime minister contacted Kentucky before the president did after the shooting. When did Canada become better than us?
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01-25-2018 23:17
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