Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always carry a flute with me in case I see deer or rabbits frolicking in a sunny meadow.

   It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year

   "We be bobsleddin'." The Winter Olympics Bobsled Team

   My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks smell like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad or not.

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late and all the good choices are already taken.

   Can't wait till Feb 15th.........otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate/Cake day

   I find it very irritating when someone knocks on the door then when you ask who it is they say 'ME' .Like if I knew who it was I wouldn't have asked, Seriously Now!

   Why did the Chicken cross the road? To show Possums it can be done!~

   Most teenagers are treated like children. But are expected to act like adults.

   I’m building a wall around Facebook and Your all going to pay for it

   Seen a midget carrying a plasma TV to his car and a yelled out, “Hey buddy! Need help carrying that TV?” He shouted, “It’s an iPAD A$$HOLE!”

   You know you've been working too hard when you keep dialing a 9 while making a call from your home phone.

   Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present

   My wife caught me cheating yesterday. Was a stupid and careless mistake. She said she's never going to play Monopoly with me again

   It's hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food

   A lot of people cry when they chop onions....The trick is to not form an emotional bond

   I don't understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake

   My guess is that few Children are named Siri or Alexa anymore.

   Word of the Day: Intaxication - That brief period of euphoria you feel between receiving a tax refund and then realizing it was your money to begin with.