Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present

   My wife caught me cheating yesterday. Was a stupid and careless mistake. She said she's never going to play Monopoly with me again

   It's hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food

   A lot of people cry when they chop onions....The trick is to not form an emotional bond

   I don't understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake

   My guess is that few Children are named Siri or Alexa anymore.

   Word of the Day: Intaxication - That brief period of euphoria you feel between receiving a tax refund and then realizing it was your money to begin with.

   I think I'm going to make chocolate covered Tide Pods for Valentine's day

   I'm glad for Justin Beiber and conrats to him on his new "unplugged" show. Personally I think every pop stars' act seems more relaxed and genuine once their b utt pl ug is removed.

   I want to start a support organization for pets that are forced to be emotional supports for humans

   Beginning to question my plans to go yachting with Robert Wagner this weekend.

   According to my neighbor's diary, I have boundary issues.

   Today I ended a long relationship. Yeah.....I’m okay, I'm not really upset or anything though, it wasn't even mine.

   You know that game where your hands made a church and steeple, and you opened it up to see the people? Why the hell didn't it bother anyone that the people were all being hung from the rafters like a mass suicide?

   If zombies eat the living and vultures eat the dead, what do zombie vultures eat and what do you mean this isn't an emergency, 911 operator?

   I used to like to eat footlong subs, but the periscopes always stuck in my teeth

   Wife nudged me awake "I can hear noises downstairs" so said "so what, I can hear noises downstairs or upstairs"

   My wife as not spoke to me for the past three days since our fight. That saying silence is golden is so true.

   Everybody thinks its so great that Michelangelo painted the chapel ceiling on his back but nobody talks about how long his arms were

   Boss called and wants a meeting, asks how does 3:00 sound? BONG BONG BONG, silly boss