Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 842 of 6446

Some of you females will never be half the women your dad was..

IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad died. He was 91. Funeral will be held as soon as we figure out how to put his coffin together.
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01-28-2018 09:02
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Google "don't resist and you have nothing to fear" then send me your thoughts.
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01-28-2018 00:07
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Make sure to put the letter "L" in the word clocks when you google grandfather clocks.
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01-27-2018 18:35 by Jake
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I'm okay with you being stup!d, but when you're both stup!d AND stubborn, then Houston, we have a problem.

People were shocked when they found I wasn't a good electrician. :-)
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01-27-2018 15:28 by Jake
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If you don't know them personally. Don't take what they say personally.

The Sentimental Growth Story
Me: Can you please grow?
Hair: Nah..!
Muscle: Nope..!!
Salary: Don't even dream..!!!
Tummy : Bro, for you anything.
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01-27-2018 14:53 by RAMANIYER
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This entire gender neutral thing has gone too far. I just saw a commercial on tv for Mama John's.

The Patriots are going to the Super Bowl? Who doesn’t love a good overdog story?
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01-27-2018 13:23 by iccic
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They say time & water carved the Grand Canyon. I washed my underwear 20 times in Tide with Bleach and yup, skid marks still there.
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01-27-2018 10:52
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Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
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01-27-2018 10:06
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Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going !
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01-27-2018 04:46
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I signed up for aerobics classes and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
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01-27-2018 04:46
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To help prevent teen pregnancy. High schools should hand out a C.D. of a crying baby instead of comdoms.

Ever wonder if pandas know they're cute?
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01-26-2018 13:02
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1 in 6 Millennials has a 100k saved, while 5 in 6 have 100k worth of tattoos...
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01-26-2018 11:59
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In this day and age where kids expect their parents to do everything for them, it's encouraging to see them washing out their own mouths with soap.
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01-26-2018 08:00
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Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
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01-26-2018 05:06
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Different ways to say "NO": German: Nein - Russian: Niej - Arabic: La - Women: Yes, but ...
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01-26-2018 05:06
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