Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some of you females will never be half the women your dad was..

   IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad died. He was 91. Funeral will be held as soon as we figure out how to put his coffin together.

   Google "don't resist and you have nothing to fear" then send me your thoughts.

   Make sure to put the letter "L" in the word clocks when you google grandfather clocks.

   I'm okay with you being stup!d, but when you're both stup!d AND stubborn, then Houston, we have a problem.

   People were shocked when they found I wasn't a good electrician. :-)

   If you don't know them personally. Don't take what they say personally.

   The Sentimental Growth Story Me: Can you please grow? Hair: Nah..! Muscle: Nope..!! Salary: Don't even dream..!!! Tummy : Bro, for you anything.

   This entire gender neutral thing has gone too far. I just saw a commercial on tv for Mama John's.

   The Patriots are going to the Super Bowl? Who doesn’t love a good overdog story?

   They say time & water carved the Grand Canyon. I washed my underwear 20 times in Tide with Bleach and yup, skid marks still there.

   Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going !

   I signed up for aerobics classes and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

   To help prevent teen pregnancy. High schools should hand out a C.D. of a crying baby instead of comdoms.

   Ever wonder if pandas know they're cute?

   1 in 6 Millennials has a 100k saved, while 5 in 6 have 100k worth of tattoos...

   In this day and age where kids expect their parents to do everything for them, it's encouraging to see them washing out their own mouths with soap.

   Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send

   Different ways to say "NO": German: Nein - Russian: Niej - Arabic: La - Women: Yes, but ...