Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since smartphone cameras were first released in 2002, sightings of Bigfoot and UFOs have declined by 85%.

   Super Bowl LII: Patriots vs. Eagles. If it were any more patriotic, it'd be crapping fireworks out of it's end zone. 'Murica!

   Got caught daydreaming about sleep again at work today

   The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they're thinking "Why don't you just eat ALL the food?"

   wants to apologize to everyone about the blue moon but hey, I'm auditioning for the Avatar sequels and it's your damn fault for peeping through my window!

   Just made me some synonym rolls. Just like grammar used to make.

   Guess all those years of phone sex have caught up with me, I have hearing aids

   Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public

   When life gives you a hundred reasons not to go to work today.....don't argue with it

   instead of clapping at the state of the union they should yell "Dilly Dilly"

   A new study says that a lot of people will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.

   3 stages of marriage. 1.engagement ring. 2. wedding ring. 3. suffer ring.

   I'm still young at heart. The problem is, the rest of me is old.

   I got an e-mail from a woman that read, "I need you to come plow my field.... squeeze my melons.... touch my yams...and play with my peach!" I was getting ALL excited until I realized it was just an invitation to play Farmville

   That silly moment when your gas tank is on 'E' and you turn the music off like it's going to save gas

   Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don't serve breakfast?

   Did anyone in their wildest dreams even imagine that Donald and Mickey would run America one day!? Walt Disney would be proud of this!

   Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever

   My New Years resolution for losing weight starts in February 2018, January was spent looking for a decent diet plan ! #strong

   How can fish get high? With seaweed.