Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants to apologize to everyone about the blue moon but hey, I'm auditioning for the Avatar sequels and it's your damn fault for peeping through my window!

   Just made me some synonym rolls. Just like grammar used to make.

   Guess all those years of phone sex have caught up with me, I have hearing aids

   Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public

   When life gives you a hundred reasons not to go to work today.....don't argue with it

   instead of clapping at the state of the union they should yell "Dilly Dilly"

   A new study says that a lot of people will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.

   3 stages of marriage. 1.engagement ring. 2. wedding ring. 3. suffer ring.

   I'm still young at heart. The problem is, the rest of me is old.

   I got an e-mail from a woman that read, "I need you to come plow my field.... squeeze my melons.... touch my yams...and play with my peach!" I was getting ALL excited until I realized it was just an invitation to play Farmville

   That silly moment when your gas tank is on 'E' and you turn the music off like it's going to save gas

   Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don't serve breakfast?

   Did anyone in their wildest dreams even imagine that Donald and Mickey would run America one day!? Walt Disney would be proud of this!

   Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever

   My New Years resolution for losing weight starts in February 2018, January was spent looking for a decent diet plan ! #strong

   How can fish get high? With seaweed.

   Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.

   I sneak into hospitals and kiss coma patients.

   So like, this baby mosquito flew for the first time and when he got home his Mom said "How did it go?" and the baby mosquito said "Pretty good I guess. Everybody was clapping for me."

   I thought about buying Hillary Clinton's latest book until Amazon suggested that people who bought this item also bought boots, plastic sheeting, lye, and shovels