Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left! How am I supposed to prepare myself with these effing mind games?!

   Mark Zuckerburg owns Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp. All he needs now is Twitter then he owns all of our little secrets

   I have my headphones on at the Gym, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart

   I can't wait till I retire so I can get up at 6 am and drive everywhere slow AF.

   I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class

   Most people say they are in favor of free speech until you say something they don't like

   Maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks because he thinks they are stupid

   I hate arriving early, I hate showing up late, but what I really hate having to be there

   If someone doesn't get started on my laundry soon I'll be wearing a suit to cut the grass tomorrow morning

   All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.

   Me: Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name and it feels like home. Priest: I don't believe that is an actual prayer... Me: No, but it's like a prayer.

   Daisy Dukes make my General Lee stand at attention.

   I would listen to everything Dana Loesch says because she's friggin' hot!

   mechanic says the weird sound I hear in my car is me sighing

   We really do need a rating system for movies so children won't be influenced by watching the wrong movies.

   Why is it that losing with dignity and grace is no longer the right thing to do?

   When they ship styrofoam. What do the pack it in?

   Girls want attention, Women want respect. But Men want both... And I mean - both Girls and Women

   How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom

   My salt shaker has been clogged for two years now, so don't come to me with your issues