Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Groundhog Day to any hole-dwelling rodents who happen to be reading this.

   Once my boss told me to dress for the job that I wanted, not for the job that I had. And I felt real stupid in the next sales meeting dressed like Batman.

   If the memo sees iys shadow today it means four more years of Trump?

   Which tastes better, Coke or Pepsi? Neither. The answer is Beer.

   My favorite word is "apparently" because it makes any statement sound sarcastic. "He's intelligent. Apparently."

   Why is it that only when you fart silently is when somebody rushes towards you to talk, hugs you, or rather sits behind you?

   When my Bank Balance Depresses me, I Look at my Email Spam Folder to check the Nigerian Prince Million Dollars I have been left behind

   I hate it when google starts acting feminine by giving me a suggestion even before I complete my sentence

   I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer” because when people see a sign that says, “Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM” everyone is going to be there.

   I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?

   If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiorno there's a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice too

   Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?

   We get it, He-Man, you’re a male.

   My bachelor pad is lacking a sofa now that Mom wants her Caravan’s third row seating back.

   Girl - "Can I see your phone?" Boy - "Uhm, yeah, a moment, I just have to send a text." <Delete, Delete, Delete, Delete>

   What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use my bank account?

   I hate brushing teeth at night because that signifies that you can't have anymore food and I'm just never ready for that kind of commitment

   Some people are like that annoying advert that interrupts a video you’re watching and you can’t skip it.

   Since smartphone cameras were first released in 2002, sightings of Bigfoot and UFOs have declined by 85%.