Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   My life wasn't complete until I met you,,,,,,, You COMPLETELY ruined it. Thanks...

   Who the f*ck threw this "work" thing right in the middle of my Facebook time? Am I being Punked?

   She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of 10 said their place.

   Rolling a piece of toilet paper up and sticking it in your ear and just letting it hang there makes it awkward for people to talk to you.

   If Monday had a gender it would be female... they are always a b!tch. If they were easy, it'd be a slut.

   it rude to throw an Altoid in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   I've been drunk texting and drunk calling and drunk emailing people all night and I'm not even drunk.

   Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(

   Give a man an inch he takes a mile... give a woman an inch and she will laugh her f*cking head off!!

   Whenever a girl refers to me as "candy ass" I demand that she prove her theory by actually taste testing the product she is reviewing.

   All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.

   Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

   All I really want is someone to go out on an expensive date, but not order more that 5 items off the dollar menu. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?!

   Anyone ever looked at some of the people you dated in High School that are now on Facebook and think, "Thank God, I really dodged a bullet on that ONE!?!"

   I'm standing on the balcony throwing skittles at all the workout freaks running by. You're in shape. I have a balcony. And skittles. I win.

   My kid stole this 'Student of the Month' bumper sticker off your car and put it on mine. And he beat your kid's ass.

   Smoked a bag of weed and ate some Mexican food and now I've got a bad case of the sh!ts and giggles.

   Don't you hate when your sleeping meds wear off and the kid starts b!tching about being hungry. You're killing my buzz, kid.

   Just gave all of my McDonalds ketchup packets to the hobo on the corner. What? He might find a dumpster burger later.

   I don't call it being lazy. Using texts to get the kids to bring me up more beer is why they call it a smartphone.