Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Puppet theft is getting out of hand!

   *coughs for 5 minutes straight* **checks for abs**

   Moron is more of a complement, compare to the other terms people use.

   And in the news today. Keith Richards is not dead yet. . .

   I paid for my wife to have a breast reduction. The doctor goes, "Ah, she wants a loppatittyoffamee."

   Silence is golden. Unless you have a house full of young kids.

   FYI...the NRA has NEVER killed anyone, BUT....Plamned Parebthood has! Millions.

   Rich people stay rich by living like they are poor. Poor people stay poor by living like they are rich.

   The only problem with sport fishing is that the fish have a home field advantage.

   Don’t be shy, even cats lick each other.

   I've had a really bad day. First, my ex-wife got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

   Don't wait for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make it perfect. Have a great day. :)

   To all my friends having a identity crisis, I love you, and you know who you are, I think?

   My buddy was upset that he lost out on a promotion at work to an attractive older woman. I told him not to cry over skilled MILF.

   Someone here said that bullying and insulting people, for no good reason, means you're doing things right. When did humanity get so stupid?

   You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn't fit anymore.

   Lasik surgery is at least $500 to just fix an eye....on wheel of fortune I can buy the I for half that price

   With the amount of Viagra Hugh Hefner has taken at his age, good luck closing the casket lid.

   My wife says I am paranoid.. of course that's what I'd expect an undercover CIA agent to say..

   my therapist told me to write letters to everyone I hate and then to burn them, now I don't know what to do with all these letters...