Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 832 of 6446

Back when I was in high school, we didn't have guns to shoot people. We used our fists!
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02-15-2018 10:56
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OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it Box Wine and not Cardboardeaux?
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02-15-2018 08:32
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I admit women are hard to figure out. Like, why do they tilt their head in pictures ?
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02-15-2018 07:51
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Shout out to all the motel maids changing the sheets and the plumbers unclogging the hair filled drains this morning.
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02-15-2018 07:36
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The difference between the company I work for and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the OUTSIDE.
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02-15-2018 04:44 by Crewz
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When a kitten is chasing shadows it's all "Aww's" but when I do it, all I get is strange looks & pointing.
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02-14-2018 22:06
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I'm pretty apathetic, so I'm getting a tattoo that says "Shrug Life"
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02-14-2018 20:53 by Crewz
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They say when you're looking for something you lost. It's always found in the last place you look. Of course it is. Who would keep on looking for it?

I've kicked Stormy Daniels out of bed more times than I can remember.
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02-14-2018 20:19
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For the past 20 years I've got a valentine card from a secret admirer. And was sad when I didn't get one this year. Frist my meemaw dies, now this.
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02-14-2018 19:29 by Jake
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When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.
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02-14-2018 19:20 by Jake
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Cupid. That makes sense to me, because nothing fills me with love more than a fat baby firing arrows at my butt.
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02-14-2018 19:02
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I Went to the Valentine's day parade downtown, it was nothing more than a drunk guy wandering around with heart on.
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02-14-2018 16:45 by MDS
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I just received a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order, but still....
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02-14-2018 16:40 by MDS
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Happy Valentines Day to the happy couple, Donald Trump & Stormy Daniels.
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02-14-2018 14:03
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Oh, my bad. It's Ash Wednesday, with an 'h'... Sorry, honey. You can go back to sleep.
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02-14-2018 06:11
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I went to the Grocery store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. These guys are marketing genius
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02-14-2018 03:55
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Salt and sugar look the same. Be careful who you trust.

I tell kids in high school if you wanna feel what its like to be drunk. Just spin around in circles as fast as you can for 15 seconds and try to walk a straight line after.

People don't notice the things that you do for them untill you stop doing them.