Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a coffee table in my house. It's decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.

   I've been building my son's trust for two yrs with high-fives. Today I'm going to hit him with a "too slow". Welcome to the real world, son.

   Original jokes are like girlfriends. I don't have one.

   When life gives you scurvy, you’re going to wish you kept those lemons.

   "No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious." -George Bernard Shaw

   My awkward silences are just warm up for my awkward conversations.

   Allow me to demonstrate how I feel. *throws agitated cat in your face*

   Ya! Trump says one thing will work when it comes to N. Korea. Bomb the deal out of them. I support that!

   I walked into a room where men were wearing capes, expecting great things. Then I see that it is a barbershop.

   I told a girl in the grocery store that she drew her eyebrows on way to high. She just stood there with a surprised look on her face.

   How come they don't show Breaking Bad reruns on the Cooking Channel?

   For no reason at all Smash Mouth's "All Star" is stuck in my head. I'm sorry to do this to you, but if I go down, we all go down.

   D: What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea ? P: I don't know. D: I never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

   Got my popcorn ready to pop. Sodas chilling in the refrigerator. While waiting for the Apprentice tapes to be released. MAGA.

   Don't be sad over the things you lost. Be grateful for the things you still have. Enjoy your day. :)

   R.I.P. Rosie O'Donnell. Oh, sorry. It was Hugh Hefner who died. I thought it said Huge Heifer.

   New walking dead movie coming out, featuring Keith Richards. . .

   Whether you follow your head or you heart, be careful. One of them is clearly an idiot!

   The ocean is so deep that most people can't fathom it.

   How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?