Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Received a wrong number call at 6am. I now have them on speed dial to drunk dial at 2am.

   I always hit "ignore call" with my middle finger.

   "You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that." - Life

   You know how sometimes you can just tell when someone's had enough of you for one day, so you back off and leave them alone? Me neither.

   Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I'm feeling great. So it's all good.

   I was jammin out at work with my iPod when a coworker walked in smiling at me. I pointed to my ear piece and said "Hoobastank." She frowned at me and said, "Well, it's certainly NOT mine." and stormed out of my office.

   You don't have to like me, because I'm gonna force you to eventually.

   Ever want to smash someones face in with a jar of mayonnaise? I do all the time.

   Don't worry about avoiding temptation. After I have slept with you once I will avoid you.

   In the strange event that you are buying condoms. Make sure they say 'bareskin' and not 'bearskin' trust me on this one.

   I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.

   There's something fishy about this cucumber I'm eating.......

   There's no "I" in meat, but there's "me" and "eat", and I don't know how vegans can argue with that logic.

   Someone was a horrible person in their past life.. and was then reincarnated as my liver.

   FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.

   Being funny on Facebook at 2 a.m. is like seeing a UFO... no one gets to see it or believes you.

   The show "Toddlers and tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   you know it wasn't always called bipolar, it once was called being a b!tch

   I liked you a lot more before I met you.

   I delete the recent history from my profile for the same reasons I don't go to church. It gives people the wrong impression and it makes Jesus roll his eyes.