Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some girl on Facebook just posted "I'm so happy right now that nothing can bring me down!" Should I tell her about gravity?

   But Officer, I wasn't tailgating. I was drafting.

   I feel like if people wanted Clinton to come out and address every major event in the country, they probably should have elected her?

   "Friday" is an old Indian word that means "Just two more days until Monday."

   Wouldn't it be nice if you could adjust the brightness level of people like you can on your TV?

   You don't always have to be in a rush. The early bird may get the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.

   Why don't witches wear panties? Because they get a better grip on their brooms without them.

   The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.

   I just drove thru the 'hood and didn't see any NFL players helping the oppressed.

   Just admit it you're acting like a baby! You're just mad because I'm the REAL SLIM SHADY!!! -Trump

   Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years

   Fact: African Americans make up 13.3% of the US population. Fact African Americans make up 70% of the NFL. Fact: Average NFL Salary: $1.9 million. And these are the guys protesting "Oppression"?

   The Cleveland Indians gave it up faster than an ovulating woman just released from house arrest.

   Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...

   Thoughts on lunch time at the office: I like opening the microwave with one second left on the timer. It makes me feel like James Bond disarming a nuclear bomb.

   I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas. Why don't they tell you these things in advance?

   So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?

   I wonder if Harvey Weinstein & Bill Cosby sit around swapping stories

   I have to get with the times on this social media stuff. All this time I thought Instagram was a convenient way to obtain cocaine.

   my theory: every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel