Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Worlds shortest joke- "Two women are sitting quietly"

   If April showers bring may flowers. What does mayflowers bring? Pilgrims

   Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.

   Wife asked if I could pick up milk on the way home, so I flexed both arms to reassure her

   Origami was invented by a guy who kept running out of toilet paper

   When a cop shoots a thug everyone blames the person. When a kid shoots a school, everyone blames the gun...

   Hey, I know. Let's make it real hard for people to murder other people.

   This program has been brought to you by Smirnoff Vodka. Smirnoff...soon to be the official drink of the USA.

   I helped a little old lady with a new 60 in. TV cross the road this afternoon. The guy in the car next to me even joined in as we honked our horns repeatedly.

   I'm kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I'm just a guy in a bathrobe.

   Michael Moore joined a protest against Trump colluding with Russians, and now we know the protest was organized by Russians

   No matter what happens in this life, I will NEVER give up on my dreams. That’s why I slept until noon today

   I am more likely to answer a call of nature than from my credit card company

   China Travel Tip: If You're mugged by a chinese guy don't even bother reporting it to the Cops. They will probably narrow it down to some 53,000 suspects which will give you a bigger headache than you already have

   When I was younger I use to carry an extra pair of panties in my purse in case I got lucky. Now I carry them in case I sneeze

   What's the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.

   "Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.

   Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.

   I can't believe they remade the Pink Panther movie and changed the name since it stars a b|@ck guy instead. It is just pathetic how blatantly unoriginal Hollywood has gotten these days.

   What's a burnt pizza, frozen drink & a pregnant girl have in common? In each case there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time