Funny Status Messages

   Of all the words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.

   29th Feb would have been an ideal day to get married.......imagine the money you can save from buying anniversary gifts

   Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store

   Ironically, the people you meet by accident are often the ones who become an important part of your life

   Be careful of those who pat you on the back. They might be looking for a soft spot to plant the knife

   A woman's cleavage tells you the amount and type of attention she needs

   Come to think of it I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 30 years now, that is 10,950 sit-ups and not even ONE ab to show for it

   finishing the toilet paper roll and not replacing it should be considered as domestic terrorism.

   AA meetings would be less boring if you could drink at them.

   I never repeat gossip. So you'll have to listen very carefully the first time.

   I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.

   Can I take my emotional support horse on a plane?

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted "Most Likely to Secede."

   We’ll continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself.

   Sharks don't kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

   Whose bright idea was it to allow spiders, snakes and mosquitos on the ark? I want names.

   "That microwave TV dinner was remarkably delicious and quite filling." ...Said no one ever.

   Me: "I'm disappointed with my life." Life: "The feeling is mutual."

   Husband asks to see my phone. ***Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.***

   The reason you get paid more at a sperm bank than a blood bank is because the sperm is hand made.