Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m glad we have such strict illegal drug laws, otherwise people would be using and over doing on them

   Went to walmart and ask the woman's department attendant if they had maternity dresses. She said yes, what bust? I said the condom.

   What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired.

   Not going to debate gun control with people who eat laundry soap and don't know which bathroom to use.

   my way of gun control is standing mine in the corner and making it stand there till I need it again

   Nothing around here makes sense. If something did make sense it wouldn’t make sense because in order to make sense it can’t make sense. Am I making sense?

   My boss wants to send me to a Time Management training class. Is he serious? I'm way too busy for that!

   "Aww. You shouldn't have" is woman for "if you didn't, you better start praying"

   Real friendship is lending your Facebook password to your friend so that he/she can stalk their Ex

   My Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking. So no more drive through KFC. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in

   I have a real life autocorrect, my wife. :-)

   I'm getting so old, I need to take a nap so I'll have the energy to go to bed. :)

   The self checkout line was invented for a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

   If it's really the thought that counts, we're all screwed.

   So have they made a drink called "Tequila Mockingbird" yet? What the hell are they waiting for?

   Deja boo - the feeling that you've been afraid of this before.

   I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because I love fishing.

   Every fad becomes a punchline. We build things up jus to knock them down.

   I was super lazy today. It’s like regular lazy but I wear a cape.

   My wife says I'm the kind of person she has to warn people about in advance and apologize for afterwords.