Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 827 of 6383
I'm not looking like a million dollars today, more like about $19.95. But I am hanging out at the Dollar Store so I am feeling pretty good.
←Rate |
10-18-2017 12:30
Comments (1)
Can somebody tell me how Finding Dory ends? I was watching video of the minivan in front of me took an exit off the highway
←Rate |
10-18-2017 12:25
Comments (0)
Old saying is that curiosity killed the cat, but I am pretty sure it was that '16 Ford Expedition
←Rate |
10-18-2017 12:21
Comments (0)
Elevator music bothers me on many levels
←Rate |
10-18-2017 12:19
Comments (0)
NEW: McCain reacts to Trump’s threat to “fight back and it won’t be pretty.” McCain: “I have faced tougher adversaries.
←Rate |
10-18-2017 12:05
Comments (0)
if dogs could text back they'd call
←Rate |
10-18-2017 11:00
Comments (0)
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
←Rate |
10-18-2017 10:54
Comments (0)
Imagine an orange draft dodger telling you "He knew what he signed up for". I would rather be told this by a real war hero like McCain instead.
←Rate |
10-18-2017 10:41
Comments (0)
Dear Curiosity, Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. Sincerely, the Cat.
←Rate |
10-18-2017 10:19
Comments (0)
Angela Merkel isn't convinced about the reputations of Trump and Weinstein..she says she's never been touched up by either of them!
←Rate |
10-18-2017 02:54 by Truman
Comments (0)
How to look like a productive hubby. Add things to your to do list that dosen't need to be done. So you'll have things crossed off when your wife checks the list.
←Rate |
10-18-2017 01:00 by Jake
Comments (0)
That time you used the flashlight on your phone to help look for your phone
←Rate |
10-17-2017 23:54 by Roach2001
Comments (0)
Just saw my auto insurance agent use a calculator to calculate 2017-2013 to show me it's been 4 years......... time for a new insurance company. 😅
←Rate |
10-17-2017 23:39 by BEGO
Comments (0)
For those of you that think that Jimmy Kimmel is a champion of women’s rights feel free to watch some “Man Show” reruns
←Rate |
10-17-2017 18:17 by cpaman
Comments (3)
We say we don't want Mexicans to take jobs away from us. Do we really want a job to clean up and shovel crap around???
←Rate |
10-17-2017 15:37
Comments (0)
My new voicemail message: "For instructions in English, select one. Para instrucciones en español, por favor desconecte, aprenda a decir la lengua inglesa, llamar otra vez why seleccionar número uno."
←Rate |
10-17-2017 09:44
Comments (0)
"Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing...after they have exhausted all other possibilities." ~ Winston Churchill
←Rate |
10-17-2017 09:03
Comments (3)
Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion? Words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the restroom
←Rate |
10-17-2017 07:05
Comments (0)
My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like watt
←Rate |
10-17-2017 07:05
Comments (0)
This morning, a busty woman in an elevator tried to confront me. I was standing near the elevator operator, she kept starring at me and later said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards
←Rate |
10-17-2017 07:04
Comments (0)