Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing

   I planted a loaf of Ezekiel bread. It grew into a tree filled with cuckoo birds quoting verses from the Old Testament.

   Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.

   I have a midget friend. He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living. I call him "Little Seizures." I'm going to hell.

   I have been on hold for the past ten minutes!! If I ever find the guy who invented automated telephone systems, I'm going to give him a choice - Press 1 to be kicked in the a$$, Press 2 to be pushed off a cliff or Press 3 to go to jail.

   Wonder if D was told the brain was an app, he start using it.

   I'm so old, that I stopped buying green bananas.

   What does "colder than hell" mean? Isn't everyplace colder than hell?

   After my doctor's exam. He gave me a 30 day supply of some pills. And said that I'll need to take them for the rest of my life. I said that's not so bad. He said yea it is, you won't need a refill prescription.

   My memaw suffers from furniture disease. Her chest has fallen into her drawers.

   Last night on the TV I saw a blurry dark image of an old fat man holding his willie. Then I realised the TV was turn off.

   Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.

   Her: Just relax and be yourself. Me: No, you're going to have to pick one or the other.

   The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.

   Women drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left! How am I supposed to prepare myself with these effing mind games?!

   Mark Zuckerburg owns Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp. All he needs now is Twitter then he owns all of our little secrets

   I have my headphones on at the Gym, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart

   I can't wait till I retire so I can get up at 6 am and drive everywhere slow AF.

   I think the best way to fight insomnia is redecorate my bedroom to look like Ms. Stewart's 10th grade math class

   Most people say they are in favor of free speech until you say something they don't like