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Relationship status: Would get in the van
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10-22-2017 06:03
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Tanya Harding was taking a knee before it was cool.
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10-22-2017 06:02
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Was having an argument with my wife. Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off.
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10-21-2017 17:29 by
Jake
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Don’t forget to ridicule, crush, and then kill what you don’t understand today.
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10-21-2017 11:33
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Dear Maytag: Why don't your clothes dryers have a "Fold" cycle? It's 2017 for Chrissake. -Me
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10-21-2017 09:07
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Are you supposed to sound like one of your parents when you sneeze?
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10-20-2017 02:04
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I like to yell "Don't Forget!" to people as I am leaving so they panic over nothing
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10-20-2017 00:00
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Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM
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10-19-2017 23:56
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Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults
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10-19-2017 23:42
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In an attempt to eat healthier I started buying Coke and Cheetos at Trader Joe's.
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10-19-2017 19:58
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Dating site for pyromaniacs: Match.com
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10-19-2017 19:23
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Ladies, if three or more guys have called you crazy, you're crazy...
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10-19-2017 14:01
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I often get a "yes" from women...but it's usually followed by..."that's him officer"
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10-19-2017 10:17 by
Trueman
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Holding off getting ready because it's not nearly the last minute yet.
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10-18-2017 13:00
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Facebook requires 8 character complex password for what? The bank only wants a 4-digit number to remove all my cash.
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10-18-2017 12:57
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A spelling bee sounds like a horrifying creature that bellows out words and then stings you when you get one wrong.
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10-18-2017 12:51
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this girl I'm stalking never returns any of my texts,i think I should stalk other women.
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10-18-2017 12:50
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Looking for a way to charge my dog for staring at the window and watching squirrels all day. Petflix
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10-18-2017 12:47
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My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating
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10-18-2017 12:45
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The most impoprtant thing I have learned about parenthood is many times my parents must have come close to child murder.
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10-18-2017 12:38 by
markf
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