Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mother taught me to never argue with strangers on the Internet. She said I must agree to meet them in real life, and then punch them in the face.

   Being single is like "Do you want to eat this? We're just going to throw it away." (...Wow, thanks. I feel so special!)

   If life was a YouTube video, Monday would be that annoying ad that doesn't have the "You can skip in 5 seconds" option.

   I have a terrible fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

   The best way to make your kids understand the whole idea of paying taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream

   Mom: you're all dressed up, where are you going? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new picture for my facebook profile.

   I am really not surprised that there are not many women race car drivers, Women drive all over town like race car drivers anyway

   There was a time when Women used to dress to to impress men these days Women dress to irritate other Women

   "Shutting the hell up about your diet" is also a way of losing calories

   When we go shopping, my wife thinks that I am bored because I constantly keep looking at my phone

   We don't appreciate all these redneck, inbreeding stereotypes. Ain't that right, Uncle Dad?

   A plumber's job can draining.

   Boobs are like the sun, you can take a quick look but it's dangerous to stare.

   it me or people who moved to a warmer weather have nothin to say on their post expect weather??

   Don't run with bagpipes, you could put an aye out. Or worse, you could get kilt.

   Mexican hookers plan to drill glory holes in Trump's wall.

   A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing

   I planted a loaf of Ezekiel bread. It grew into a tree filled with cuckoo birds quoting verses from the Old Testament.

   Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.

   I have a midget friend. He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living. I call him "Little Seizures." I'm going to hell.