Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Married women think I'm way too awesome to be single. Single women don't give a sh!t what married women think. Life is still stupid.

   I'm going to a Halloween party without a shirt, so when people ask what I'm supposed to be I can say a premature ejaculation... I just came in my pants.

   If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. So... yeah.. don't bother reserving a spot in your life for me.

   If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.

   My daily FB goals - 1) Make someone laugh 2) Make someone smile 3) Make someone shake their head 4) Make someone disgusted 5) P!ss someone off. Not exactly in that order.

   If you don't cuss when you drive you aren't paying enough attention to the road.

   "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." - Steve Jobs

   I bet you $567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

   I got pulled over the other day for weaving. I can't even f*cking sew, let alone weave, especially when I'm that drunk.

   Did you know if you ask a hairstylist for the "Bieber" They'll shave off all your pubes?

   FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.

   When I'm getting it on with two or three women, I have to really slow things down so I don't get too excited and accidentally wake up.

   I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it's not.

   Anytime a smart ass cop tells me to have a nice day after he writes me a ticket I respond with "and you try not to get shot today."

   Stop looking at me like that - it's not like you've never tried to play a song from the ATM at the bar before either.

   How is it possible that one of Michael Jackson's doctors is on trial... and it's not his plastic surgeon?

   My mom isn't too good with computers, so I like to leave a screenshot of the Google home page open and then watch her lose her damn mind.

   Most of the time the past tense of 'hate' is 'love.'

   Sex is like music: for every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

   I hate long walks on beaches, picnics suck, dinner and a movie costs too much, I expect my woman to make me a sandwich, bring me a beer and not say a word while I'm watching the game.~ Honest guys eHarmny profile