Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 819 of 6452

If I sucked at my job I would want to spend time away from it too and play golf.
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03-16-2018 21:46 by 25the45
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I STILL remember grandpa's last words to me. Lighting a match next to the gas pump, he said, "What's this warning label say?"
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03-16-2018 17:50
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All I'm saying is grape juice is just underachieving wine.
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03-16-2018 15:22
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[ordering from the dollar menu] me: hi i'll have 7 dollars please
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03-16-2018 14:49
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So many accidents with Hillary. I'm not even sure she still alive, maybe they're just dragging her body like in Weekend at Bernie's
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03-16-2018 14:28 by David
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How long do you think Tomi Lahren will wait to start sending nudes to Donald Trump Jr?
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03-16-2018 14:17
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My wife passed some gas. I told her it was rank. She said to treat it like aroma therapy.
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03-16-2018 12:13
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Bose is a Bengali Stereo type.
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03-16-2018 11:46 by SA1
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*Will trump list the people on welfare or social services as dependents on his tax form
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03-16-2018 06:46
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A man who is not married tends to go through life enjoying his life.
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03-16-2018 05:51 by Jake
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The Mexicans may not be happy with the building of trump's wall. But they will get over it.
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03-16-2018 00:25 by Jake
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I know I'am a man and not a mouse. If I were a mouse my wife would be afraid of me.
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03-16-2018 00:19 by Jake
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I've been married for 14 years. The bad part, I don't recall ever breaking two mirriors.
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03-16-2018 00:16 by Jake
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Overheard the boss telling the new guy, "I don't care if you ARE Winnie the Pooh. You still have to wear pants to work!"

Right Now: Fox News: Deadly bridge collapse in Miami. CNN: Trump witch hunt. MSLSD: Trump witch hunt.
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03-15-2018 16:25
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somebody needs to invent a Keurig but for booze
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03-15-2018 10:43
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I put the Nicoderm patch on my exhaust pipe & it still smokes. I don't think those work as good as they claim
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03-15-2018 08:34 by Eddy
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Over the top, over the top, over the top. Stop with the Jan Brady already .
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03-15-2018 02:40 by 25the45
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The real reason Trump has fired so many people is, he really likes eating their going away cake.
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03-15-2018 01:34 by Jake
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I lost my job as a Walmart greeter. Apparently it's okay when people enter the store to say, "Welcome to Walmart" . . . but not okay to add "and that's not just the booze talking, either!"
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03-15-2018 01:08
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