Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To keep the kids occupied all day on Easter, only hide 3 eggs for the Earter egg hunt.

   Alexa laughing and refusing to obey instructions? Better start working on your reasons to live for our new robot overlords

   I can't really afford Essential Oils so let's see what we have in the pantry.

   This dentist just told me I need a crown, and it's a relief to finally start getting some recognition around here.

   Neighbors state that old McDonald "had" a farm and the last time anyone saw him he was screaming vowels into the air. Back to you, Jen.

   Like if you ever got charged for not rewinding a VHF tape

   If Melania was a Democrat, she would be on the cover of every magazine and hailed by the media for her grace, language and beauty.

   Any way I see it Jack and Jill were both idiots... Who in the hell goes up hill to find water?

   David Dennison is my President.

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village. Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan....

   I'd like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."

   . My mother in-law is drowning, I've informed emergency services. Hope they get my letter in time to save her.

   My son is really struggling with english in school. Nobody else in his class can speak it.

   When the teacher pointed her ruler at me and said their's an idiot at the end of this ruler. I said which end?

   I'm suffering from Insania. Its sort of like Insomnia, only its the voices in my head that cant sleep.

   Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft

   So a high school 1st year asked me if I knew the symbol compound of Hydrogen Sodium....I said NaH...

   Common sense is like a deodorant.......The people who need it most never use it..

   Being stuck in the'' friend zone'' is like a potential employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he eventually hired

   if I pay Netflix each month & choose to watch Star Trek, am I paying a DATA plan?