Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Hey Hillary...We do not want to see your food that you and Bill eat.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 14:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Breast reduction is just another way a woman has to get something off her chest.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 13:44 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hillary broke her wrist when she slipped in a bathtub. The bathtub was later found dead with two gunshots in the back of the head. The death has been ruled a suicide.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 12:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Subway Meatball Sub
←Rate | 03-19-2018 07:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hate when ppl use their zodiac sign to justify sh^tty behavior. Like "sorry I can't help it I'm a Scorpio." No Susan you're just a bi*ch!
←Rate | 03-19-2018 06:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon {at sports arena} *kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 05:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Embarrassment: Is when your 6 year old corrects your spelling when you're spelling out a cuss word.
←Rate | 03-18-2018 20:42 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon My brother has stop talking to his wife after she refused to join the mile high club with him. If I know her she doesn't give a flying fu*k.
←Rate | 03-18-2018 00:32 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I start wearing an earring when my wife found it in our bed.
←Rate | 03-18-2018 00:12 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm in my 60's and a three time a night man. So I need to cut back on the liquids I drink before going to bed.
←Rate | 03-18-2018 00:04 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife was going wild in the sack last night. I eventually had to get up and let her out of it.
←Rate | 03-17-2018 23:41 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife could get a job in earthquake prediction. She can find a fault quicker than anyone.
←Rate | 03-17-2018 23:37 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whether you order a six-inch or a foot- long, both you and your sandwich artist are thinking about diks for at least a second...
←Rate | 03-17-2018 18:29 by Fadolo Comments (0)  


   messageicon My comfort zone is always southern
←Rate | 03-17-2018 14:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Nice try "St. Patrick," but I was going to drink anyway. Now...LET'S GET READY TO STUMMMMBLLLLE!
←Rate | 03-17-2018 14:09 by JohnY Comments (0)  


   messageicon “In America, anyone can become president” used to feel like more of a promise and less of a threat.
←Rate | 03-17-2018 12:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Plan to change the air in your tires soon. Replace that winter air in your tires for best inflation during summer months. Most mechanics will do this for you for free on April 1st.
←Rate | 03-17-2018 11:04 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Mexican word of the day is Chicken Finger: Jose left his wife and said "Chicken finger herself for now on!!
←Rate | 03-17-2018 10:22 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I just busted three plastic spoons trying to eat an avocado that has a sticker that says "ripe and ready to eat."
←Rate | 03-17-2018 00:50 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I can't wait to see who gets fired next week on Celebrity Appresident.
←Rate | 03-17-2018 00:33 Comments (2)  




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