Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm impressed. Someone went to a lot of trouble to turn this Waffle House into a Waffle Home.

   Someone should start a new Match.com, but for socks

   I went to ninja school once but the teacher never showed up

   Eating kale as a snack has several benefits, including no one will ever try to steal your snacks

   It is the year 2048. Colleges are offering courses in selfie angles.

   Driving a gray car in the winter is putting a lot of faith in your fellow drivers on the road.

   I am about to order a Code Red and one of my kids is going to be surprised that he is Private Santiago

   OK I get it, two wrongs don't make a right. But what are talking here? 500? 600? I am almost to 600.

   According to this captcha page I am a robot -- what a way to find out. Who knew?

   You know how people duck when they walk under helicopter blades? I don't.

   Chameleon cashiers give the best change

   I remember back when my "car seat" was the back window shelf of my mom's 63 Plymouth Valiant

   I respect you, liquor store shopping cart user.

   From Cuddly to Stabby in 60 seconds. - a memoir

   Be a good person, but don’t waste time proving it.

   The forest was shrinking yet trees kept voting for the AXE because its handle was made of wood and they thought it was one of them.

   "Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is......

   You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams

   2 idians running water and falling rocks went hunting in the mountains But only running water returned back to the tribe A scout went looking for falling rocks but never found him And to this day you'll see signs in the mountains watchout for falling rock