Funny Status Messages

   Why does everyone keep asking me how to change their clock? My Betamax has been blinking midnight since 1983...

   Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Except for imitation grape soda; real grapes have never quite gotten over that one.

   In honor of Martin Shkreli going to prison, the price of lube has been marked up 5,000%.

   I didn't change my clocks because I decided to relive the past. There are so many things I'm going to do differently this time.

   Stop all your crying about losing an hour of sleep from Daylight Savings Time. Business travelers experience it every single week...

   Thunderstruck just played at the gym and now I'm drunk on the treadmill...

   ☆ List of things that will Make America Great Again ☆ 1. Dinosaurs

   It’s so cute when recipes only say 1/4 cup of cheese. Bless their hearts.

   Condolences to Martin Shkreli's cellmate for the extra 20 years he's gonna get for definitely murdering Martin Skreli

   I'd rather go camping with a stranger from Craigslist than go to your kids birthday party.

   Everyone just so happens to own a broken clock in Arizona tonight....

   Fun fact: Trump has been President for 407 days and he just spent his 100th day playing golf

   I'm not one for eating oat-meal. My box of Quaker oats is so old that picture of the quarker on the box has brown hair.

   Fun fact: Daylight saving time is almost a 100 years old. It was enacted on March 19 1918.

   I've been sober for like 40 days. Not in a row, just 40 days total...

   On the day that daylight saving time begins. Every husband should have sex with their wife at 1:55am this way the wife can't complain about it only lasting ten minutes

   Start getting it on with your girl at 1:58 am. Brag to everyone tomorrow that you lasted for over an hour!

   I think daylight saving time should start on a friday at 4pm instead of 2am sunday morning.

   After just winning a four month battle with my oven clock it's dayligit saving time and back to the battle.

   Woman claim that they are good at multitasking. If so why can't they have sex and a headache at the same time