Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   > Unsubscribe from LinkedIn > Delete email account > Sell house, live in woods > Find bottle in river > Has note inside > It's from LinkedIn

   have you ever quit alcohol to save money then realised that alcohol money cannot be saved because if you're not drinking it, it doesn't exist?

   At the bar, someone asked me "what's my angle". I told her "about 30 degrees".

   The Age of Men is over. The Time of the self-killing cars has come!

   Why does the speaker of the house have a spoke person ?

   Honey badgers aren’t as delicious as they sound

   A chef these days is someone who constantly yells and swears at you in the kitchen.

   If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?

   I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.

   Sex so good I wake up in the middle of it

   A confessional booth is a glory hole for secrets.

   I like to arrive fashionably late and unfashionably intoxicated

   Bending over, preparing to do my taxes.

   Them: What's your favorite food? Me: Yes.

   Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.

   I put my pants on just like anyone else; unwillingly.

   I was always told, "KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!" And ever since I received that sage advice, I've never lost my house or car keys!

   Strike fear into your bowling opponents by drinking three Red Bulls and trying to shove a bowling pin up your butt.

   In 2018 we not correcting typos, figure out what we yryig to say.

   28 inches. I used a tape measure between the sink and the dishwasher. However my son believes it is on the other side of the planet.