Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jaws 3-D (1983): shark with no connection or knowledge of either of the first 2 sharks avenges their deaths, wearing 3-D glasses.

   "Why would I want to thank a Vet when he cut my balls off?" -The Dog

   Message to NFL Players taking a knee....It is easy to take liberty for granted, when you have never had it taken from you.

   Now Russia is accusing Russia of meddling in Russia's internal affairs, and is demanding Russia register as a foreign agent by Monday.

   Yeah, so while you were perfecting your grammar in 12th grade English class, I was doing the teacher. I got the A.

   I make jokes about being out of shape because it's soooo much easier than going to the gym.

   Thank you to all the Veterans enjoy this day of honor.

   If the people I come in contact with daily could read my mind I'd get punch in the face alot.

   Tom Steyer needs to be taken out and shot, resuscitated, and shot again.

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   My only form of communication today is shaking my head.

   Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.

   No, I don't want to hold your baby. It looks sticky.

   Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?

   I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.

   Why is it when I misplace my cell phone it set on silent

   They say that laughter is the best medicine. But if you're laughing for no reason, you need medicien.

   Public Restrooms attract the weirdest people. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

   No matter what side of the aisle you lean towards or sit on, this tax plan is a soggy turdburger.

   So Donald duck never wore pants, but when he gets out of the shower he puts a towel around his waist. What's up with that?