Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

   It is in everyone’s best interest to just keep scrolling

   I am very patient with people because I don’t interact with any.

   Hold my jean jacket. Someone just insulted Savage Garden.

   How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?

   Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.

   friend: you coming to the party tonight me: no i've got plans narrator: he had no plans

   How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.

   Questioning me about stupid things like why there’s a wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   I'm at the point of my life where if aliens come, they wont need to abduct me, I'll gladly go with them

   7-11 cashier: that will be $5.87. Me: ok 7-11 cashier: would you like a bag? Me: You got something good???

   BREAKING NEWS: Two cars had an accident in Mexico. Nobody died due to the cars being Lexus with airbags both stolen from the Houston area.

   My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?

   I bet now Martin Shkreli wish he had that anti-parasite medicine

   90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women

   If your wife asks you if you have plans for the day, there is a good chance your plans will soon be over-ruled by what she had planned or she wants to be part of your plan

   Chicks from the hood make the best mixed drinks .... chick made me a apple ciroc & juicy juice & called it ''WIC ON THE BEACH !''

   I think I lost an hour reading all the tweets about how people lost an hour this weekend