Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought a new Christmas Tree today. The shop owner said to me, "Are you going to put that up yourself?", "No" I replied, "I was thinking to put it in the Lounge!"

   I’m all about unity between the human race and truly believe it’s time we all wake up and realize that we’re all in this together. But when a “artist” wins an award at the VMA’s and thanks God and Justin Bieber in the same breath... It makes

   Biggest joke of 2017: Blake Shelton named sexiest man alive.

   It's better to be kissed by a fool than be fooled by a kiss

   You know it was a rough night when your IPhone doesn't recognize you in the morning.

   If you use the term “butt hurt” a lot, no need for the rainbow sticker. We already know.

   Where were these 22 year old female teachers back when I was in high school?

   Breaking news! Colin Kaepernick spotted working at a McDonald’s in Northern California!

   A report says Fred Flintstone forced a 16-year-old girl into having sex with him and Barney Rubble......

   I liked Meatloaf before he got all soft on us and changed his name to Adele.

   Welcome to another episode of Am I Dying or Just Really Tired?

   And I care about Charles Manson going to the hospital because?

   Just finished writing a book for new parents called “You Just Made a Big Mistake.”

   I bet you Trump pronounces the country 'Niger' with an extra "g" in the middle.

   People don't want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.

   The far right and the far left are both extremes and should be condemned equally.

   Nothing morally bankrupt about homosexuality, Obama said it was okay.

   Better vote right on all the left stuff and left on all the right stuff every ten minutes. I’m extremely immature.

   If you're constantly stirring the pot, not only should you be required to lick the spoon, but also have that spoon jammed up your butt. Perhaps that's your goal anyways.

   Beer tastes better when you have to work the next day, it’s science