Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?

   I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.

   Sex so good I wake up in the middle of it

   A confessional booth is a glory hole for secrets.

   I like to arrive fashionably late and unfashionably intoxicated

   Bending over, preparing to do my taxes.

   Them: What's your favorite food? Me: Yes.

   Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.

   I put my pants on just like anyone else; unwillingly.

   I was always told, "KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!" And ever since I received that sage advice, I've never lost my house or car keys!

   Strike fear into your bowling opponents by drinking three Red Bulls and trying to shove a bowling pin up your butt.

   In 2018 we not correcting typos, figure out what we yryig to say.

   28 inches. I used a tape measure between the sink and the dishwasher. However my son believes it is on the other side of the planet.

   Dear Video: Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Radio Star

   I am constantly putting things where they don't belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

   If I dumped a can of green beans on the ground, I'm pretty sure my kid would eat every one of them...

   When my time comes, I’m going to make a death-bed vow that no grass will grow over my grave for 100 years just to see if I can pull it off.

   You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when you're first dating? Well, after 30 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".

   Next time someone asks you if you been working hard or hardly working put your hands around their neck, squeeze really tight and ask....breathing hard or hardly breathin?

   My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. "I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide."