Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. "I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide."

   I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”

   One driverless car killed a pedestrian today. Meanwhile, 73 human drivers killed pedestrians today...

   My dentist switched me to this new sensitive toothpaste and now I can't stop crying

   My wife is so bad at housekeeping, that our dog buries his bones in our carpet.

   The great thing about insomnia is you have all this extra time to reflect on your suffering and failures.

   I could replace my teenage daughter with a honey badger and nobody would notice the difference.

   The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I'm protected against heartworms and fleas.

   Trump: I was surprised to see they have a picture of me at the art gallery. Pence: Sir, that was a mirrow.

   How many people with ADHD does it take to change...... ooh butterfly

   My son found a cassette tape in the basement. It's like watching 2001 Space Odyssey in real life.

   Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire

   If you want to know how we found out stuff before we had the internet then just google it.

   Well, hello there Last Straw. I've been expecting you.

   Hey Hillary...We do not want to see your food that you and Bill eat.

   Breast reduction is just another way a woman has to get something off her chest.

   Hillary broke her wrist when she slipped in a bathtub. The bathtub was later found dead with two gunshots in the back of the head. The death has been ruled a suicide.

   Subway Meatball Sub

   Hate when ppl use their zodiac sign to justify sh^tty behavior. Like "sorry I can't help it I'm a Scorpio." No Susan you're just a bi*ch!

   {at sports arena} *kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.