Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I'll drink to that!! - Me, after anyone says anything.

   Good thing I got this degree, just in case this unemployment thing doesn't work out.

   I always mean it as a compliment but I've found that some parents get a little pissed off when you describe their children as "do-able."

   You put the ID in stupid.

   Boyfriend not calling you back? Send a text you're about to cut off all your hair. Ahhhh there he is!

   If at any point in the conversation you say the word "insane," I will instantly add "in the membrane."

   Nothing says to a robber, "I have brand new never before opened electronics piled up in my living room." Like a Christmas tree.

   Please tell me again how "Ninja training" is not an acceptable excuse to miss work for the rest of the week??? This is bullsh!t!!!

   I actually hate grocery clerks who ask "paper or plastic." It's like they know I f*ck ugly women.

   The thing that sucks about hanging out with my friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I answer their texts.

   What's the best way to casually ask your neighbor for his wifi password?

   I hate when I walk through a metal detector and my abs of steel set them off.

   I'm collecting every toy that the neighbors kid throws in my yard, I already have tons of Christmas presents for my nieces and nephews this year!

   You're the joke, I merely provide the punch line..

   Water does not collect on TOP of a hill, take the damn bucket up there yourself! Stupid Blonde!!! ~ what Jack should have said to Jill

   i like my women like I like my stamps, lick them and send them on their way.

   I just don't get it. One minute their telling you that they don't appreciate being treated like a piece of meat and the next their covering themselves with oil and baking themselves in a tanning bed....... Women.

   Likes are like crabs. Regardless of what you say - if you're trashy enough, you'll get them often.

   Why do they even make car alarms anymore? When's the last time you heard one and didn't just walk away muttering about what a douche they are?

   Max Factor - A mathematical equation based on the density of the makeup applied to a woman's face to determine if she is really beautiful.