Funny Status Messages

   We have a dog so my husband just installed an invisible fence ... I think

   Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu

   If you find a snake skin somewhere, it means the snake shed it to grow bigger. Same principle if you find candy wrappers in my trash

   Sleep more securely with a knife under your pillow in case someone breaks in the house with cake

   Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport

   It's a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog

   As a country we should let our children lead us into the future. Mine just made a pop-tart sandwich.

   In hell people take ALL of your tweets seriously

   I took some bad medicine and have been out for a while. What did I miss? Is Kanye president?

   1998: That guy is using a cell phone, probably a drug dealer. 2018: That guy is using a payphone, probably a drug dealer.

   Whenever a convo is going badly and you want out, just say "and that's when I became a vegan."

   I only date girls who like the series "Lost" because they are used to disappointment

   I hate when I say something stupid in a conversation and then it gets stuck in my head for the next 20 years

   What you read here may or may not be about you; but if you see yourself in it, then don't rage at the mirror

   Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone

   Anything is possible when you have no clue what you're talking about

   I just got a gig as lead singer for my car.

   The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.

   Fun fact: Easter is April 1st. The last time Easter was on April 1st was in 1956. And the next time willbe 2029.

   Switching off my mother inlaw's life support machine was very difficult. I had to fight off a doctor, a nurse and two security guards. Beeeeeeeep