Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.

   Don't make me go all shouty capitals on you ...

   A white lie is like a regular lie except it orders a grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte, with soy milk from Starbucks.

   If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.

   How to strengthen your abs: 1. lie down and put your hands behind your head... Wow, what great position for a nap, better take a nap.

   a bisexual a person who pays for sex?

   You know you're broke when American Express calls you and says: "Leave home without it"

   Daddy, all the Mexicans are gone, why haven't you got a job yet?

   ‪The first idiot to complain that it’s too hot this summer is getting hit with a 10lb. bag of ice!‬

   I lost money in the John Wayne toilet paper co. The T.P. was so ruff it wouldn't take sh*t off of anybody.

   I haven't thought about murder enough lately.

   sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that

   Her: I don't get mad. I get even Me: sounds like you're still mad

   Florida traffic is a confusing mix of NASCAR rejects and people old enough to have owned a Model T.

   [during sex] Hey, thanks for doing this with me.

   I’m wingin’ it so hard I might fly away.

   If I can’t taste myself on your beard when your finished, then your not done licking.

   You kiss the end, then seductively lick the length without breaking eye contact as you place it in your mouth. I love the way you eat bacon.

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   "It wasn’t me" - First rule of fart club