Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gonna get two gold front teeth that says, "fried chicken"

   My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

   My wife is always complaining that I'm a slob by leaving clothes laying around. But that's only because she took up all the closet space.

   I sent my family tree into Ancestry.com. They sent me back a packet of seeds and told me to start over. FML.

   The next four weeks is going to be incredibly difficult for people whose grandmother's actually have been ran over by reindeer.

   "Santa, have you been working out? It sure shows. By the way, I love the new work flow plan you've established for the elves. Very efficient!" - Rudolph the Brown Nose Reindeer

   Vodka is practically a health drink. That is if you call it potato juice.

   You know it's cold outside when you go outside and trip over dog poop instead of stepping in it

   Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad

   I can finally join the crowd that says THE BOOK WAS BETTER now that most movies are about comic book heroes

   If you survive any given fashion fad, you are allowed to wear it forever according to my dad

   Took the kids to the zoo today and spent the first 30 mins explaining why the animals are not in alphabetical order like their favorite book

   1st of December and I already gained 3 pounds. Fml.

   You can’t say that President Trump hasn’t Tweeted you well.

   President Trump has golden hair like the Golden Child of mythic olden tales. Like, everything that he touches turns to gold. #GoldenPOTUS

   Gotta listen to the little man inside. The little man knows all. Unless, your little man is an idiot.

   Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.

   Funny how Flynn went from "lock her up" to maybe being locked up.

   Wouldn't recommend hanging up mistletoe at the office this year.

   The problem with talking to people on the phone is that they expect you to pay attention.