Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men at 20 play football, at 40 tennis, at 60 golf. Notice as they get older their balls get smaller.

   If you're going to open a strip club. Don't name it the G spot. Because men will never be able to find it.

   If your butt cheeks were horizonal you would applaud every time you ran up the stairs.

   If you millenials want to know what it was like to talk on a payphone, just lick the handle of a grocery cart.

   Girls say they want a fairytale wedding but when I bring in the evil witch queens and the enchanted frogs, now she changes her mind

   200 mllion guns, 2 trillion rounds of ammo. If we were a problem, YOU WOULD KNOW.

   If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.

   If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.

   Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy

   Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

   Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner. Boy: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room

   Why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it?

   I believe snakes would hate humans a lot less if they knew the world's first mobile game is dedicated to them

   Joke's on you, fanny pack thief. That was my decoy fanny pack.

   Ultimately, I have no hard feelings, wherever my missing socks go, I hope they find happiness

   Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

   Me & my dog lay together for hours a day. Eventually he gets up and goes to lay somewhere else. It hurts my feelings every single time.

   Yesterday evening on 60 Minutes was the first time for a lot of men that they didn’t have to verify that they were over the age of 18 before they seen Stormy Daniels.

   None of us really knows anything about Stormy Daniels other than her first pet's name was Stormy & she grew up on Daniels street.