Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This might be the first time in history a husband can justify porn in his browser history. Thanks, Trump!

   Make sure you wear a fake moustache on your first day at a new job so everyone will think you are the undercover boss

   Whenever I am feeling down I check my junk folder and read all the Congratulations! emails

   Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale

   "i'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse

   You can't have manslaughter without laughter.

   If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.

   Yesterday I bought a pack of two pillow cases but when I opened it there was only one. What a sham!

   I remember with fondness what grandpa used to always say at family reunions. He'd shout, "WHAT THE HELL'S A KLONDIKE BAR?"

   I don't mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It's the coming back home part that bothers me.

   Men at 20 play football, at 40 tennis, at 60 golf. Notice as they get older their balls get smaller.

   If you're going to open a strip club. Don't name it the G spot. Because men will never be able to find it.

   If your butt cheeks were horizonal you would applaud every time you ran up the stairs.

   If you millenials want to know what it was like to talk on a payphone, just lick the handle of a grocery cart.

   Girls say they want a fairytale wedding but when I bring in the evil witch queens and the enchanted frogs, now she changes her mind

   200 mllion guns, 2 trillion rounds of ammo. If we were a problem, YOU WOULD KNOW.

   If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.

   If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.

   Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy

   Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.