Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car

   I like salad best when it is simplified down to the most basic ingredients and smothered in hamburger

   This is 2017 -- we don't say Gingerbread Man, we say "light-skinned spicy gender-neutral person" bread now

   Want more people to leave you alone? Announce bid for political office. Walk like Frankenstein if necessary.

   A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.

   When I first met my wife she told me she was bi. I didn't realize until much later she meant polar.

   I think Rudolph's wife was named Olive... Like in "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."

   My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it

   Music is much more enjoyable if you listen with your eyes shut. It is also more enjoyable if the people sitting near you would listen with their mouths shut

   LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

   The only reason I am fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality

   If becoming "religious" has made you more judgmental, rude, harsh or a backbiter, you need to check again if you are worshiping God or your Ego

   Doctor - "how is your headache" Patient - "She is fine."

   Medicated, caffeinated, irritated. Just give me my coffee, give me my computer, and leave me the hell alone.

   Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.

   "Baby On Board" sign help us look for a baby in case of an crash and the parents are unconscious.

   Does the "Baby On Board" sign help us decide which car not to hit ?

   Brexiters who’ve spent 18 months saying ‘you lost, get over it’ are still waiting to discover what they’ve won.

   Sometimes you can just tell it's going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.

   Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife?