Funny Status Messages

   Caroline Sunshine went from one mickey mouse organiation to another one.

   A friend ask me why I haven't married yet. I said if I didn't have to live with my wife I would get married.

   Parental Pro-tip...Having trouble waking up your teenager? Unplug and pick up their phone. It wakes them up instantly

   Fun fact: If you cut off all the hair on your body and laid it end to end...You'd be some kind of weirdo.

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.

   It's pretty bad when Playboy deletes their FB page because they don't want to be associated with "low values"

   Hello. HP? I'd like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.

   Do dogs in Mexico speak Espaniel?

   Single men: To keep on enjoying your carefree life, never utter the words "I DO"

   This might be the first time in history a husband can justify porn in his browser history. Thanks, Trump!

   Make sure you wear a fake moustache on your first day at a new job so everyone will think you are the undercover boss

   Whenever I am feeling down I check my junk folder and read all the Congratulations! emails

   Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale

   "i'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse

   You can't have manslaughter without laughter.

   If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.

   Yesterday I bought a pack of two pillow cases but when I opened it there was only one. What a sham!

   I remember with fondness what grandpa used to always say at family reunions. He'd shout, "WHAT THE HELL'S A KLONDIKE BAR?"

   I don't mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It's the coming back home part that bothers me.

   Men at 20 play football, at 40 tennis, at 60 golf. Notice as they get older their balls get smaller.