Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When we were kids my sister played with dolls and I played with soldiers. Now it's the other way round.

   There's a woman on my train whispering her texts as she types them and now we all know that kevin might have herpes.

   I panicked when they asked me to come up with a cool and sexy stripper name. So if you head over to the strip club, ask for Deborah.

   Sex with me is like riding a bike. You never forget it and if you’re doing it you probably don’t have a car, a job, or any dignity.

   The way the CNN channel distorts the news they should change their name to Cannot be NEWS :)

   Interrsting Fact: If Hillary owned a building which caught on fire and killed a man, because there were no sprinkler systems in the building, people here would go through the roof.

   Welcome to Assumption club I think we all know why we're here...

   Sometimes I sit down and wonder what kind of life i’d be living if my parents were really rich.

   Homophobia is the fear of someone getting laid the way you would not like them to.

   How can one know what someone is doing when that someone does not know what they're doing

   I told you people that Russia was up to no good. But nooooooo, you people wanted to be friends with them for some strange, idiotic reason.

   * The older I get the earlier it gets late.

   Zuckerberg - the only time this year we've seen somebody apologise, and it wasn't for sexual harrasment!

   Give a man a beer and he will entertain you. Hold a man's beer and it will show up on YouTube.

   At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.

   FACT : A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast

   I hope one day The Rock opens a restaurant so I can finally smell......What the Rock is cooking

   Farting is an excellent example of faith. You are not 100% certain that something extra won't come out but still you push

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever

   When my son got his driver's license. He ask if I would get him something cheap to run around in. So I got him a pair of Keds sneakers.