Funny Status Messages

   I want my obituary to read: "She laid down the boogie and played that funky music till she died."

   Daddy, when will our GP waiting time go down, now all the foreign doctors have gone home?

   If your post only says "I can't even" then I'm assuming the rest of it was meant to say "finish a complete sentence!"

   Friend just told me he installed his own hot water heater and I am envious. All this time I missed out on getting my hot water even hotter.

   Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.

   I just want to point out that you won't find one bed or bath at Bed Bath and Beyond so they better come up with something spectacular for that last part

   Mark Zuckerberg is probably the last person we should trust, and I mean that both literally and alphabetically

   Look what happened to Craigslist Casual Encounters! Now where are we supposed to go for sex with strangers and/or possible murderers?!

   I do not want to go bungee jumping. I came in this world because rubber broke, I don't want you to go out the same way.

   Just got back from Australia and realized I forgot to change the setting on my camera and now all my pictures are upside down.

   Knock knock. Who's there? FBI

   Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings?

   You really can't say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked

   One of the great things about having kids is that you can check your pulse using the veins on the side of your head

   I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.

   I'm okay with knowing that no one thinks I am as funny as I know I am.

   Next time I open up to someone is my autopsy.

   A hacker has deleted Despacito from YouTube. The world is a slightly better place.

   U failed Physics chemistry in High school and now you have the guts to comment with 'K' on my posts.What exactly do you know about *Potassium*....?

   It's a bad day to be a witch.