Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Daddy, all the Mexicans are gone, why haven't you got a job yet?

   ‪The first idiot to complain that it’s too hot this summer is getting hit with a 10lb. bag of ice!‬

   I lost money in the John Wayne toilet paper co. The T.P. was so ruff it wouldn't take sh*t off of anybody.

   I haven't thought about murder enough lately.

   sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that

   Her: I don't get mad. I get even Me: sounds like you're still mad

   Florida traffic is a confusing mix of NASCAR rejects and people old enough to have owned a Model T.

   [during sex] Hey, thanks for doing this with me.

   I’m wingin’ it so hard I might fly away.

   If I can’t taste myself on your beard when your finished, then your not done licking.

   You kiss the end, then seductively lick the length without breaking eye contact as you place it in your mouth. I love the way you eat bacon.

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   "It wasn’t me" - First rule of fart club

   Ever wake up, look in the mirror, and wonder why Courtney Love is in your bathroom?

   Pizza grease is my essential oil.

   I just started a club for people who hate people. I’m the only member. No you can’t join because I hate you.

   I was promised a bigger paycheck! Not in size!!!!!

   It is true, welfare checks are now 1/8 an inch bigger.

   First time I’ve been up early for Saturday morning cartoons in awhile.

   I often wonder what tomatoes🍅 did to make the other fruits 🍇🍐🍊🍌to disown them and force them to live as vegetables🤔