Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 801 of 6446

Florida traffic is a confusing mix of NASCAR rejects and people old enough to have owned a Model T.
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04-08-2018 14:18
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[during sex] Hey, thanks for doing this with me.
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04-08-2018 14:11
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I’m wingin’ it so hard I might fly away.
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04-08-2018 14:08
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If I can’t taste myself on your beard when your finished, then your not done licking.
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04-08-2018 14:01
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You kiss the end, then seductively lick the length without breaking eye contact as you place it in your mouth. I love the way you eat bacon.
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04-08-2018 13:59
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I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

"It wasn’t me" - First rule of fart club
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04-08-2018 13:46
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Ever wake up, look in the mirror, and wonder why Courtney Love is in your bathroom?
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04-08-2018 11:05
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Pizza grease is my essential oil.
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04-08-2018 11:02
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I just started a club for people who hate people. I’m the only member. No you can’t join because I hate you.

I was promised a bigger paycheck! Not in size!!!!!
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04-08-2018 03:12
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It is true, welfare checks are now 1/8 an inch bigger.
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04-07-2018 13:08
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First time I’ve been up early for Saturday morning cartoons in awhile.
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04-07-2018 12:01 by Smeebert
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I often wonder what tomatoes🍅 did to make the other fruits 🍇🍐🍊🍌to disown them and force them to live as vegetables🤔
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04-07-2018 05:31
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I did 50 squats today and I still can't find my lighter!
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04-07-2018 00:13
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"I'm building a wall around New Mexico too! I don't need any New Mexicans when I'm still trying to get rid of the old ones" - Donald Trump
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04-06-2018 23:18
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Fun fact: Hostess Twinkies are 88 years old. (4/06/30) They were first filled with banana cream filling. But change to a vanilla cream filling do to a banana rationing during WW II.
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04-06-2018 20:33 by Funfact
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Dear kids snorting rubbers don't worry,, Your parents didn't know how to use them properly either...
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04-05-2018 18:18 by SEAN
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Checked with my Sperm Bank to see my deposit was getting any interest..sadly they said Zero.
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04-05-2018 16:51 by Bob
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Can someone please play with my flux capacitor already?
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04-05-2018 02:12
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