Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I decided to use Craigslist to do all my Christmas shopping. Look's like everyone's getting used couches this year.

   There should be a reality TV show where anti-capitalist millennials are questioned about what kind of government they want and then sent to a country that closely resembles their version as closely as possible and forced to live there for a few months.

   Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier lady at the 7-Eleven last night. Hope I don't catch Slurpees.

   Maybe if we tell some people that their brain is an app they'll start using it.

   Since the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms. I cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.

   The saddest part in Star Wars history: People rating The Last Jedi low because their shyt fantheories didn't come true.

   I don't believe the BS about GMO'S being bad for you ! I just had a leg of Salmon and it was delicious .

   Gotta love Amazon wish lists, it's like saying "it's the thought that counts, so long as you only buy me exactly what I want.

   "I'm not like other girls", she whispered into the mirror while combing her hair with the claw end of a hammer.

   You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking

   If I have to explain to my husband WHY I am angry with him, then what's the point?

   Me, as a kid: This is stupid, we should get the whole week off. Me, as a parent: Why do the schools close on the day AFTER Thanksgiving too?

   there a pack of wild dogs attacking my child, or are there peas touching his mashed potatoes? I can't tell.

   Do you ever duck your head when driving fast into an underground parking garage? I'm like that all the time.

   The movie HOME ALONE would never work now. What kid is going to look up from his smartphone after 10 hours and realize no one is around?

   The best part of paying $49 for this new toy for my son's Christmas present is knowing how happy some other kid will be in 3 months when we donate it to a thrift store

   A Woman Finding Out AFTER Long Search On Net That..... "Phillip's 21 Inch" Was Actually Just a T.V.

   I think people should make New Years resolutions for NO MORE SELFIES IN BATHROOMS, Seriously you and your toilet are not sexy

   If you're in a relationship. I don't know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera

   It's better to be kissed by a fool than to be fooled by a kiss.